Jan 2, 2005

ask frankenmonsterblog

Dear frankenmonsterblog,

It has come to my attention that my wife has been having lunch with an ex boyfriend once a week for the last three and a half years. I'm not certain if this is actually an affair. She hasn't mentioned anything to me about any of this. I found out through a mutual friend, and it has all come as quite a shock. Right now I know three things:

I don't like it.
I know the location of these lunches, and
my wife suffers from an unreasonable fear of clowns.

Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated,
Sincerely,
DN


Dear DN,

I'm going to assume from your letter that you wish to get revenge on your wife by method of clowns. That is not a problem. But there are several things you'll first need to consider. Think of what you are trying to achieve. Mild humiliation? Loss of dignity?

Frankenmonsterblog can arrange for a small group of clowns to show up at the restaurant where she and her date meet for these lunches. The presence of these clowns might alone be unnerving enough to make your wife get the message. We can as well arrange for something like five hundred clowns to be waiting for your wife at your residence. You decide what is appropriate.

Also, you might want to consider what type of clown your wife finds the most disturbing. That information will be key in the handling of this matter. Then fill out all of the information on the attached forms. Or visit our site. We can have something arranged for you within the hour.

Thank you,
frankenmonsterblog

30 comments:

  1. "clown-loading".. I like that..

    ReplyDelete
  2. Who does like a clown? I don't blame her. And what if they are still just friends. My wife still goes out with every boyfriend she's ever had, every night except Sunday. Maybe this is an overreaction?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I should have put it at the top of my fifty things..
    Or maybe I should have made this to be the title of my blog:

    I am afraid of clowns..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ho, it sounds like there might be something frankenmonster can do for you.
    Contact our office and we'll set something up..

    ReplyDelete
  5. You mean scare me with clowns? No thanks. 500 clowns? Espcially no thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  6. How do you find the time to be a professional hit person and work all night at the shoe place?

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's the only way I can afford all of this (big sweeping motion with my arm, suggesting the grandness of that which my rent provides me)..

    Free?
    There are no free lunches, Mr. Ho.
    (again in Tippy Hendren voice, or Eartha Kitt, either way)

    ReplyDelete
  8. *Spend several minutes taking it all in*

    No, nothing is free, but please, call me Ho.

    ReplyDelete
  9. ..boyfriend?
    Are you referring to frankenmonsterblog?
    He's my Godfather, like family or an uncle or something.. (and he's like a million years old..)

    Thanks for the read, you movie was great.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I hope he doesn't kill Bradford the Great for threatening with trojans.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ..kill him? With what? His arsenal of pretend spiders?

    ReplyDelete
  12. hehe. i was thinking his collection of wilma flintstone memorabelia.

    wilma can be very frightening.

    I'm just saying he seems a man who wouldn't fancy being threatened.

    ReplyDelete
  13. ..and what kind of trojans?
    (that would be something frankenonsterblog would do)

    ReplyDelete
  14. ..Wilma with her white as a piece of paper skin and those souless eyes..

    Wait. that sounds like me.

    ReplyDelete
  15. WJ
    I love fun with solving mysteries especially when it involves math!
    (and.. you're damn close, how do you do that?)

    ReplyDelete
  16. condoms, of course! isn't that what he was talking about?

    white skin is very nice...thinking cleopatra. all of the flintstones had the same eyes. nothing very sexy about the flintstones. now firestar...she was sexy.

    ReplyDelete
  17. With Spiderman, right?
    Yeah the red hair is the same color, but she's got a better bod than Wilma, to be sure..

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yes! And Iceman...was that his name? Something like that. Now that I think of it, they all kinda had soulless eyes, too. Must be the figure.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I prefer Batman.
    ..and I think that kid was referring to you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. It doesn't take long for it all to boil down to comic books, does it.
    Do you ever read Chris Ware, Fantagraphics?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Would the clowns be street dancing yo? Like doing the worm and such? That would be ill. In a frighteningly bad way of course. Which is the point.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Maybe..? there are all kinds of clowns.

    I am always pleased when I learn that someone else is afraid of clowns, it's like an immediate understanding.

    I'm afraid of them.

    ReplyDelete
  23. MU
    (laughs)..right, and that is kind of the both of you to protect him from his own jealousy, the secret isn't building into any kind of monster that might explode later, no, not at all.. it's smart..

    ReplyDelete
  24. I know an evil clown. I'm sure he'd be pleased to come right over.

    ReplyDelete
  25. The creepy kid? W/ the stick figure flick?

    as to Chris Ware, yes. Good stuff. Great detail. Very impressive. the "underground" comic scene is marvellous. well, it used to be. i lost time for that hobby. did you see Crumb? And that other movie...American Splendor. Both very good, but Crumb was very VERY good.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I saw AS, which I loved, and still have to see Crumb..
    I met CW a few years ago at Quimby's, and he was just incerdibly patient with his fans. The guy ahead of us was telling CW all about how his books had saved his life, which is cool, yet a little much.. and CW was like, you know if you ever need to talk you can call me on the phone, etc. It was unbelievable.
    ..and he signed one of my books and drew the lonely robot on it!

    ReplyDelete
  27. ..yeah, I thought he was talking about me and frankenmonsterblog as being creepy, but he meant me and you.. which made me laugh.
    Liked his movie, but he's in the sixth grade, so..

    ReplyDelete
  28. saved his life!!?? I hope no one ever says that to me. But if they do? I hope I have the coolness to tell them they can call me. Then I'll give them the wrong number! Won't that be quite a kick.

    6th grade? It fits together so well. I shall stop talking about the killing of all the stick figures. I would have been more favorable if it stopped before the 30 minute mark...

    I have a very nice R. Crumb illustrated story of Kafka's Met. It's very dark but interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  29. heh-heh, very dark is very good..

    ReplyDelete