Jan 6, 2005

your questions answered

I've received so many letters about this that I wanted to run away. I almost threw them all into the shredder. The sheer volume was daunting, to say the least. But, after taking a deep breath (then smoking a few cigarettes) I opened the mail. All of the mail. And it's clear that you guys have lots of questions. So, in response, I've decided to post this FAQ.

Question: What has frankenmonsterblog got to offer me?
Answer: Frankenmonsterblog offers both individuals and groups (i.e. large companies, local book clubs, sewing circles, and spelling bees) the best in frankenmonsterbloginess. We provide in house counciling, group motivation, large scale grief therapy, birthday parties.. You name it. We can arrange to spy on (spot) your employees when a reason is needed to terminate someone and none is forth coming.. as well as arrange for a host of other unfortunate events to occur in the work place. Such as our Humiliation Package, certain to make the target quit their job by the end of business hours. We plan weddings, as well as arrange for weddings not to happen. Whatever you need. You design the event or choose from one of our hundreds of pre-packaged menu items. Of course, we can also just come over to your house and hang out with you for a while. Help you straighten up the kitchen, assist in getting rid of that junk in the basement, hand you kleenex when you get sad. The real question is what can't frankenmonsterblog provide.

Question: What can't frankenmonsterblog provide?
Answer: Unfortunately, our fabulous MAKE ME THE FOOL FOR A DAY and our BRING YOUR SPOUSE TO THE OFFICE services have both been discontinued due to lack of interest.

Question: Is frankenmonsterblog a real person.. or what?
Answer: I'm pretty sure what you are really asking me is, Is frankenmonsterblog a real monster or not? And by you I mean about fifty people who wrote in and worded it as shyly as your "..or what" portion of this question. And I understand. It's because you keep hearing about the frankenmonsterblog in the media and you're getting a little nervous. Am I right? Let me assure you that frankenmonsterblog is a real person, with an unfortunate sounding name which, translated from the German, means "..charming young woman holding flowers and a basket of cakes". Nothing more threatening than that. Of course to our American ears frankenmonsterblog sounds far less benign. That's why our logo depicts a classic Greek female holding flowers and a basket of cakes. Funny nobody asked me about that..

Question: Where is frankenmonsterblog located?
Answer: I'm sure you've noticed us popping up all over the place. Downtown already has several locations. This neighborhood alone has two, with a third frankenmonsterblog scheduled to open after the first of the year.

Question: How long has frankenmonsterblog been in business?
Answer: Frankenmonsterblog was established a few days ago.

Question: What exactly is your business?
Answer: For a reasonable price frankenmonsterblog will plan events for you, be there for you and seem to care about you.

Question: How much does frankenmonsterblog cost?
Answer: There are several price packages to choose from. Starting at just six or seven dollars, we can do quite a few things* for you. This is a very popular price plan. We also offer a $12,000.00 package, which is a bit less popular. We can work with you on a sliding scale, and are willing to negotiate. Either way, at frankenmonsterblog, you get what you pay for. That's really our motto.

*mostly involving fake spiders.

Question: I want my girlfriend to really suffer and be humiliated at work this Thursday. But I'm torn between that or having her be humiliated in front of a small group of our friends here, at the apartment. Do you guys do "home" humiliations?
Answer: I sense that your question might really be Which of these services costs less? The office thing is much cheaper due to insurance issues. I know it seems like it would be the other way around. Of course we can humiliate your girlfriend anywhere you choose. Visit our site and start the planning process. It's fun. And Thursday is just a couple days away..

Question: How many individuals are employed at frankenmonsterblog?
Answer: We employ about eight million people, give or take. This number includes a wide scope of professionals who are outsourced for particular jobs as well as our full time staff. As I'm sure you can imagine, each job has a unique set of criteria. To meet your particular needs we employ party planners, menu planners, chefs, chocolatiers, engineers, actors, dry wallers, imposters, electricians, photographers, psychics, animal trainers, sad, scary and regular clowns, personal stylists, licenced dieticians, motivational speakers, mental health professionals, undercover spies, DJs, makers of gingerbread houses, florists, a team of crank-call professionals, stunt people, a woman who will pretend to be your mom for the day, makers of fake slime, vomit, spiders and goo, a bee keeper, and quite a few lawyers..

Ok. I hope that has cleared up a couple of things. If there was anything I didn't cover, please feel free to post your question here and I'll try answer them in a timely fashion. Thank you. To visit our headquaters please click here.


  1. Anonymous4:16 AM

    This is THE FUNNIEST thing I've ever read!! EVER!

  2. Oh Yeah! Fantastic post! Keep them coming...

  3. Hello, this is my completely unsolicited testimonial for Frankenmonsterblog's tremendous services.

    Until a few weeks ago I was content and happy... boring!

    So some good friends of mine decided to chip in and gift me with a trip on the now defunct MAKE ME THE FOOL FOR A DAY trolly. Just in time for the holidays.

    I tell you, I have never felt so foolish and bad about myself before, not even after that one time Rick (Captain of the Golf team) told everyone in choir that I smelled like chicken soup. Downstairs. Which is a complete fabrication by the way.

    In any case, the bad feelings generated by Rick's little run-eth of the mouth, when compaired to the sheer VOLUME and QUALITY of humiliation that I experienced as a customer of FMB, make that interlude with Rick seem like a small pimple on the chin of adolescence when juxtaposed with the scarring blight of adulthood angst that FMB willingly inflicted upon my soul.

    Bless you FMB.
    Keep up the good work.

    Twila Peterson
    Scatterville, Fl
    Mother of Three (Master of None)

  4. Anonymous12:00 AM

    She's back!
    ..sort of, you haven't posted yet.
    I hope you had a wonderful holiday, YGWIN.. And thank you!
    To think we almost removed Make Me The Fool For The Day from the roster. Remember us for your next revenge. Or when ever you want to stir up some trouble..

    thankyouthankyouthankyou thank you!