Feb 28, 2005

attention:

There is a spider in my house.

I thought it through, and I believe I am responsible for this turn of events. I disrupted the spider community, aka Spider Village, that had been established off in the corner of my apartment in what was referred to as Unincorporated Junk Town (also Junk Park or Junk Square). I was fully aware of the population of spiders in that corner. Likewise, they knew that I was as far away as possible, at a minimum distance of about two feet. Usually much more. And it was ok. Nobody ever crossed the borders. We had an unspoken understanding. We maintained a peaceful tolerance. But then I made the mistake of getting rid of that TV and all of the adjacent junk. I realize that the spiders had to go find other places to live. And I understand it was a tumultuous time for them. But I thought when I said, Spiders: go outside! Or, at least, please, go live in the stairwell.. that they felt that this was a reasonable request. Because I never saw or heard from any of them afterward.

Until now. That is. Until yesterday afternoon at approximately three fifteen.

I understand that this is quite alarming, but, please, do not call the police. I contacted the authorities late last night, and the agents that were dispatched to my residence have already briefed me on several methods I can employ to cope with the situation. And, I have to say that after a lot of breathing into a paper bag and the liberal application of vodka, I think I've got it under control.

Still, I'm afraid that this is only the beginning of a much bigger problem.

The reason I say this is that the spider has built not a web, but what can only be described as a cocoon around itself. And my instincts tell me that this is not good. Everything about this cocoon suggests permanency. This is bad. I look at the cocoon and all I can imagine is that, at some point yesterday afternoon, the spider arrived at the decision to stay. Stay. Right there. Near my bathroom door. For the duration of some undisclosed event, or for purposes that are beyond my understanding.


Actually, I'm not going to lie to you. A few things have already crossed my mind. I can hardly bring myself to write this. But, think about it. Why do creatures set up house?
Yes. I think this is going to get much worse.

I was told to continue to document any changes, as I had already jotted down quite a few notes before the detectives arrived. I now check the spider on an hourly basis. And, as I'm sure you can imagine, this is not a pleasant project. The whole thing is most disturbing.

52 comments:

  1. Be careful. Soon the spider might start rearranging your CD collection or answering the phone without writing down people's numbers or laying eggs in your cousins.

    I'm not sure how to get it to leave. Maybe if you wrote it a nice letter.

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  2. hmmm. this can be very serious business as I have a basement.

    Now then. do you have a pig? If so, the pig will befriend the spider and all of the eggs that she's now laying will fly away except for one or two who will stay and keep the pig company.

    IF NO PIG:

    you could ask your upstairs neighbor to come and kill it, but he drinks a lot of wine, and it might be cheaper to vacuum (vack yoom) it.

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  3. Ho: please come down stairs and get this spider for me. I know it's lame. But I just can't do it.

    Vacuum = I have to clean it out of the bag later.

    Wine = ok.

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  4. What in God's name are you two talking about? Why not just suck the little @#$%&! up and dump him in the trash once he's in the bag, If you anger the spiders and they wage war, me and my revolutionaries will be your ally in the great war for victoria's basement! Fear not for we have no idea what we're doing anyway!
    Write back on my blog thing, deathbymuffins.blogspot.com

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  5. The Household Spiders. That's the name of my new band.

    I'm putting the band back together, are you in?

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  6. I'm in. I have no...sense of style, though. Or rythm. But I can sing. And probably use one of those...tamboreeney things, the shakey bells w/ the cowhide cover?

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  7. Good. You'll be the frontman.

    Can you play the triangle?

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  8. maracas
    canastas
    small bells (alerting the butler type)
    big bells (e.g. Liberty Bell)
    finger snapping (optional)
    tambourine (prefferably green; red ok)
    toy piano (especially plinky)
    regular key boards
    drum kit
    a table of percussive instrumnets (including wind chimes and that hollow wooden sounding thing)
    bass guitar, accoustic guitar, sitar, mandolin, violin (both accoustic and electric)
    horn section (with every kind of horn there is)

    I'm forgetting something..

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  9. with enough wine...

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  10. This band runs on wine.

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  11. oooh. that's a superb list. And I am a lover of lists. I am a luster of lists, it could be said. Did you say, castanettes?

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  12. Heh-heh. I said "canastas". Which is a kind of poker game. I think. Card games. Not the sound I was going for. Or was I..

    Lists. Yes.

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  13. so you were thinking hip hop/rap, right?

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  14. Something a little more eclectic. Maybe an ironic take on retro rock. Led Zeppelin meets Bollywood via Radiohead somehow informed by Sly and the Family Stone. But funkier. It would be hard to pull that off live, though..

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  15. We'd end every show with The Lemon Song. Yes. It's decided.

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  16. lol. that's such a better idea.

    Led Zeppelin meets Bollywood--I know lots of LZ, but only one Bollywood... a song from a really good indy movie, Jaan Se Praan ho, or some such thing.

    Radiohead somehow informed by Sly and the Family Stone--I know lots of Radiohead, but only one Sly and the Family stone...don't call me nigger, whitey.

    I think it will be beholden unto you for union.

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  17. Sly's "It's A Family Affair". I'm trying to hear the pop Indian equivalent in my head. I've got to say, we'd be the first American band doing this.

    I'm starting to think that
    Wine + Household Spiders = money.

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  18. you are so good at math.

    Ghost world was the movie w/ that ... song whose name escapes me. I liked the movie but i'm pretty sure i am the only person who saw it.

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  19. Ghost World!

    Get out, I loved that movie. I gave the CD back to my ex boyfriend a long time ago. That girl was all into her Indian Music because of Buscemi (spelling).
    Very funny.

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  20. yes! that was the movie. I also loved it.

    That song haunts me, though, the mad singing and the crazed dancing of Bollywood.

    I wonder where that bus went at the end.

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  21. ..or, for that matter, the bus at the end of The Graduate.

    Band names. Household Spiders. But what about Household Monsters.. That's better. Kind of brings the whole monster idea more on to an everyday level. Like dealing with mildew or something. I don't know..

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  22. Or we could just cover The Monster Mash for our first song.

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  23. Victoria - just smack the SOB with a broom, web and all, and zing the little creep out into the stairwell. It's okay to heavily medicate yourself if you need the courage. Show him you mean business and his friends will get scared and leave you alone!

    WB. I missed you.

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  24. Hey Kim, yeah I have no excuses left..

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  25. Ho, I'm sensing that you might not actually like The Monster Mash. This is just a hunch. But a mock pop Indian style rendition of The Monster Mash..

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  26. As a child I sure did, and once a year it's nice, but I'm sure our version will change rock history.

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  27. I think so, too.

    What I'm afraid of is that the critics will resort to using words like "potpourri" or
    "everything but the kitchen sink" to describe Household Spiders, as they won't know what to make of us..

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  28. So we need a genre. Potpourri would be a bad label. Unless it was our record label. Or is it lable? it's ladle, but I think it's label.

    Perhaps we should go for...undefinable. undefinable > potpourri.

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  29. Yeah. Undefinable > progressive > avantgarde > funkadelic > ironic rock music.

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  30. I am lost in that chain of logic, but in a good way.

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  31. Ah, spiders they are eevrywhere and you can't kill them.

    Just yesterday I had a situation with an enormous black widow. I was out back at work and there she was in all her shiny beauty.

    I'm terrified by black widows, I think it has something to do with not being raised around them. What you don't know you fear.

    I wanted to kill her, but then I started thinking...

    As if she doesn't have enough problems, beyond worrying I'm gonna' squish her, she's a black single mother of like 100 babies, because her husband died, in America.

    My security guard squished her when I wasn't looking.

    Please, think of the children Vic... and yes, do be careful.

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  32. One irony of this situation, and there are many, is that while I was medicated yesterday I too was visited by my room spider. She and I are at odds because she's a very hungry spider and I am her food.

    I've tried to lure her into consuming other edibles but she persists in her activities, and if it were not for my happy white pills she would have been sent, via the closest shoe, to that great web in the cosmic nebula known as HELL!

    She also slacks on rent. Which is unacceptable.

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  33. weird. that last comment was from me. bloggity blog blog is funky today. methinks he's taking some pills as well.

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  34. Wink, I don't like killing spiders. But if someone else just decided on their own to do it, and then did it, I'd be ok with it. You know? Black Widows are horrible and beautiful.

    YGWIN, either blogger is on pain medication (I've thought this before), or you have a couple of blogs.

    Or there's a ghost. Yeah that would explain it. There's a ghost.
    It was inevitable.

    Ho, I can't spell lable either.

    Getting lost in a chain of logic is underrated as a diversion. more on that later..

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  35. Actually, I have but one blog but I'm linked to another-- *ring* *ring* is a side project that is a wee slow on the upswing.

    I think that it logged me in as my "user name," and if that is at all compelling let me know and I can go further into the strange anomalies that greeted me at the moment of that posting.

    But perhaps this is the chain of logic that you so mysteriously hinted at. You, of course, are correct... it is highly underrated.

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  36. A colony of spiders is bad news...especially the country bumkin type because they just breed and breed like crazy (think Charlotte's web!)

    I say slay they lot except for one. You should always keep one in the kitchen to catch fruit flies. And if he witnesses the family being killed he should behave himself and keep well out of your way.

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  37. Y'v, I was crushed to learn that lirrah wasn't a ghost. This made me really happy for some reason. Lent something unfathomable to the medium. Lacking logic. Hmm.. I'll check lirrah out.

    Lyvvie, I'm down with that. I really am. I guess that's why it's a sign of a clean house. And they're supposedly good luck, too.

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  38. Two things scare me: spiders, and the old naked guys at my health club.

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  39. Lirrah means nothing, check ring ring on my profile page, though. If you feel the need.

    I'm sure we could scare up a ghost or five if it means that much to you.

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  40. It means that much to me.

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  41. woooOOOOhhhhoooo

    Hey there! I'm a little short on physical matter but long on time. To be FRANK, (or Stan... or Louisa) I've all eternity to be your friendly amorphous pal here in frankenmonsterblogland.

    Phew! That's the most I've said in ages. I've gotta stop hanging with gypsies, as they never let a non-corporeal sista get a word in edgewise.

    Be seeing ya, and I MIGHT even bring some friends along....

    HINT...HINT...

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  42. All of those hints make me a tad nervous for you.

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  43. Ho, yeah me too. You know the code. If you here three knocks you know what to do.

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  44. That's hear. If you HEAR three knocks..

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  45. I have been drinking some vodka, but not as much as usual, so I'll pay very close attention and turn Sportscenter down...

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  46. Thanks.

    I'm about to post what is certainly the worst thing I've ever posted. It's so bad. I'm laughing.

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  47. What's going on here? Is there a GHOST amongst us?

    Vodka and sports center. Whoa.

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  48. Perhaps there is. And I was the one requesting ghosts earlier. I didn't realize it was so easy to get a ghost.

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  49. How come the good requests never go through?

    It's always the sketchy ghost wishes that seem to be answered by that snarky Fairy Godmother.

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  50. ..sketchy ghosts ..snarky

    Funny, funny stuff..

    Yeah there is nothing worse than a sketchy ghost. A sketchy ghost with a questionable past, can't be trusted, the whole town is in a state over these grifters.

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  51. Never trust shades named grey. Questionable, very questionable. Why I bet her friends are other hybridized colours as well. Perhaps they're even sepia toned. If they're old enough that is.

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