Jan 2, 2005

it's not just a job, it's a lifestyle

Part One:

For years, frankenmonsterblog and I had a standing date for lunch where we'd meet at this dingey little tea room up in his neighborhood. This lunch was our last. I started working for him the next day.

V: Hey..
F: I've been waiting here for twenty minutes.

V: Sorry about that.
F: No. It seems you're right on time for the arrival of the much anticipated menus ..Miss ..menus..

V: You ok?
F: We botched another job last night.

V: What Job?
F: I might have to leave town for a while.. Oh, and did you hear? They cancelled The Smuck Show..

V: The what show..?
F: The Smuck Show. ..Miss..?

V: I've never heard of it.
F: They cancelled it. ..an ashtray.. thank you..

V: When was it on?
F: Right after Carnival of Bitterness.. also cancelled.

V: Huh. That's terrible..
F: Miss.. Christ I'm getting a headache. ..Miss ..a bicarbonate..

V: So.. The Smuck Show..
F: Yeah. Mostly funeral hoaxes.. and some crank calls. Great stuff. Some of my best guys worked on it.

V: I want to work with you guys.
F: It's out of the question.

V: Come on..
F: The guys working for me.. some of them have been in the business for nearly thirty years.. and you want to just walk in and start working..

V: I have done some of the best crank calls. Did you listen to my tape?
F: No. The guys told me it was good, though.. well actually they thought it was alright..

V: You didn't listen to it..?
F: ..Miss ..menus.. what do I have to do.. pay her up front?

V: ..Oh? Before I forget.. did you finally put up your tree?
F: We've already got enough things going on right now. I don't need to draw more attention to the house.

V: Yeah.. but isn't it.. more conspicuous not decorate the house?
F: I don't worry about Christmas.

V: Did you get anything?
F: Not really.

V: Nothing?
F: Uh.. a bag of peat moss. And a box.. a box with a dog in it.

V: A dog? What like a real dog? Is it still in the box..?
F: And money. I gave money, too. I sent it through the mail.

V: Well, everybody likes money.. But the dog, is it ok..?
F: Right? ..they complain about this life, but at the end of they day everybody's got their hand out. And they all want to be fed too.

V: Are you refering to your wife and children..?
F: Yeah.. at last.. another pot of tea, the steak sandwich, medium well, with horseradich, and she'll have a turkey club, and water, please, just leave the pitcher..

V: Uh, no.. I will have the pasta.. What about New Year's..

F: I don't know. Maybe make some lobster or drag the puppet show up out of the basement. I hate midnight, though. No midnight.

V: Ever? Or just on New Year's..
F: I just want to get through this week without going to jail. Never ending Holidays..

V: Just water is fine, thanks.
F: That's good, warm cloudy water and the tea is ice cold. ..we wanted hot tea..

V: What is that?
F: I don't know. Why don't you try it and tell me what it is.

V: You are cruel.
F: (laughter)

V: Seriously, when can I work with you guys?
F: What about your job?

V: I could do both.
F: It's too dangerous.

V: ..dangerous?
F: I promised your mother I'd never involve you.

V: It's.. crank calls.
F: Keep it down. There's aspects of the business that.. i
t isn't pretty.

V: What? That one time you had to go to court? The guy didn't even show up, and the judge wound up being one of your best clients..
F: Keep it down. ..Miss, what exactly is this? This looks like it's still breathing..

V: So when can I start?
F: If you start it will be at the bottom. ..medium WELL.. and some steak sauce..

V: That's cool.
F: It would be mostly fake spiders and goo. It's not what you're thinking. It's not like in the movies.

V: So.. when?
F: I got a call this morning.. wait.. Miss.. can you tell me what this is? Please.. describe for me what this looks like to you..

V: What was wrong with it?
F: ..I got a call this morning from a woman who wants to scare her boss. ..no.. just the check..

V: Ok..
F: Only problem is, he used us to scare her in the first place. So the element of surprise gets a little..

V: So it especially challenging.
F: Right. This is her revenge. And he's probably expecting something. He might even be looking forward to it.

V: So what I have to do is catch him totally off guard.
F: Which will be hard to do.

V: What if I took it out of the work place?
F: That's good, but..

V: Wait! I know.. instead of targeting him, we target her again.
F: Only this time we make it something truly horrible.. something dead serious..

V: Right. And right away she thinks it's him again.
F: And he freaks.. he knows he didn't arrange for this. But it looks like he did. And he's afraid she's going to call the cops..

V: And there is already all of this evidence against him from the first time!
F: And he starts to panic.. that's good.

V: Oh, boy! I can't wait..
F: Then just before the police are called in we reveal the whole thing. We might have to go over budget..

V: We will be heros!
F: Alright, well see. But I'm not making any promises..


  1. So, like, you're a professional crank yanker now? Does Jimmy Kimmel ever get pissed off at you?