Jan 9, 2005

next, the dry cleaners

I was doing errands today, and had no choice but to finally return some movies I'd rented over a month ago. I kind of braced myself as I made my way to the rental place, which is called Earwax, but what I refer to as La Maison de Mildew, or just La Mildew, as Earwax smells very badly of mildew. At least this is the case in the basement area, where the movies are located (the cafe upstairs smells ok). So, as I had already armed myself with some aspirin before I left the house, there were no more excuses. Earwax was the first stop on my list.

When I got there, I explained everything to the guy behind the counter, and he began pulling up my account. His computer was running a little slow, so we made some small talk. He told me that his name was Brian, and we talked about movies for a while. Finally, as there was no way to any longer ignore the topic, I just came right out and asked Brian if the mildew made him sick. He told me that sometimes it got so bad that it was difficult to keep his food down. But then he added that, so long as he smoked pot continuously throughout his shift, it was bearable.


That was when I went into my purse, flashed him my badge, and told him that he was under arrest. I said Freeze! and everything. And when I did this he jumped back a couple of feet and knocked right into some shelves. And he seemed genuinely panicked for a moment or two, despite the fact that what I had aimed at him was not a gun, but a bottle of hairspray, and that what I had flashed him was not my badge, but my wallet (which, in all fairness, does flip open like a police badge, but is pink, and has inside it not a police shield, but a Raggedy Ann sticker).

After Brian recovered from the initial shock of my arrest, we started laughing hysterically. We just kept reinacting the whole thing, over and over, and yelling freeze! at each other until I literally had tears rolling down my face. I've never laughed so hard. I mimicked the shocked expression that he had had on his face, which made him double over and yell, stop! And he then played out the whole thing for me a millions times, and to ever escalating degrees of ridiculousness, my arrest, how he jumped back into the shelves. All of it. About fifty times, to the point where one of the shelves finally came down.


At which point I realized that there was a line of people forming behind me (and fair to say, they were NOT amused). I wiped my face off with my sleeve and tried to compose myself. But it was useless, and Brian completely lost it after that shelf came down. And, just to make matters worse, from all the disturbance some movies started falling off of the other, still intact shelf. Not all at once, but slowly, one by one, like a domino effect. And I think it was this slow, inevitable dropping down of movies that was Brian's final undoing.

He was now in the fetal position on the floor, and was laughing that laugh where no sound comes out. He seemed to be begging for mercy, and it got so out of hand that I briefly considered calling an ambulance. Then the manager came in, took one look at Brian, and fired him on the spot (which immediately seemed to calm Brian down, as he got up off the floor, and, though still kind of laughing, this time it was a great deal less). Then the manager informed me that they had already charged my account $92.00, but that I could keep the DVDs, as in effect, I had already purchased them. Which was fine, especially since I realized after I got home that I had forgotten them on top of the DVD player.

17 comments:

  1. You should keep tabs on this Brian fellow. Find his next place of employment. Strive to make him laugh uncontrollably there and see if you can get him fired again.

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  2. just think, if you had used that silly little online DVD rental thingy then Brian would still have his job! THank goodness you were there to save him from all the mildew. I hear that shizzle is bad for ones hair.

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  3. I'm not sure which part of this story to believe and that's just delightful. I am disappointed that you don't mention which dvds you now own. Also. Netflix. If any of this is true.

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  4. Oh Victoria! You always keep me coming back for more...

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  5. I can't stop laughing at the idea of you two reinacting the situation over and over again. I can totally picture you doing this. Nice to know the mildew lives. So rich....

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  6. Wink this really happened.

    And, ah yes, the mildew. Still. Even after they moved, the mildew moved with them.. Remember the constant sewer gas?

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  7. I have been flirting with the Netflix idea.
    I wonder if it's a good idea for me to have even more things delivered to my door, though. I mean, very soon there will be no reason to leave the apartment.

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  8. Anonymous6:30 PM

    They moved again??? What's happening to that town, where does the 'wax lay now? Who am I?

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  9. I'm not anonymous dammit! I'M WINKY. But I'm not even Winky. Ahhhh crap.

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  10. Wink, whomever you are, they moved again. Quimby's, Lenny and Me, Noir, Myopic have all moved basically into each others old spaces. Crazies. Non commitals.

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  11. It's communism if you ask me. Russia just won't stop will they.

    I am Winky.

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  12. Anonymous6:44 PM

    To Russia,

    I am very sorry for my ignorant hurtful joke. Please forgive me. And can I get one of those funny furry hats all you guys wear? Just wonderin'.

    xoxo,
    Winky

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  13. The propaganda for non-committalism is posted upon every free space in the Republic of Wicker, I tell ya, not a brick to be seen. And the images, which are meant to inspire a people to get to work, I mean to not commit, are starting to mess with my normal way of thinking.

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  14. Does it even have a park anymore?

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  15. The two recently split off into two seperate nations (a la Czechoslovakia, and, in many ways, the U.S.)

    It is now:

    *The People's Republic of Wicker
    *The United Union of the Park

    I live on the boarder, with both sides thinking that I belong to the other.

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  16. Simply hilarious!!

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  17. Ah, the Wax. Good story. I'm a little disappointed that Brian didn't destroy the place completely, knocking down every shelf while howling with laughter. He probably won't remember that this happened two weeks from now--by then, the mildew poisoning should have cleared from his bloodstream.

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