Jan 2, 2005

ask frankenmonsterblog

Dear frankenmonsterblog,

It has come to my attention that my wife has been having lunch with an ex boyfriend once a week for the last three and a half years. I'm not certain if this is actually an affair. She hasn't mentioned anything to me about any of this. I found out through a mutual friend, and it has all come as quite a shock. Right now I know three things:

I don't like it.
I know the location of these lunches, and
my wife suffers from an unreasonable fear of clowns.

Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated,

Dear DN,

I'm going to assume from your letter that you wish to get revenge on your wife by method of clowns. That is not a problem. But there are several things you'll first need to consider. Think of what you are trying to achieve. Mild humiliation? Loss of dignity?

Frankenmonsterblog can arrange for a small group of clowns to show up at the restaurant where she and her date meet for these lunches. The presence of these clowns might alone be unnerving enough to make your wife get the message. We can as well arrange for something like five hundred clowns to be waiting for your wife at your residence. You decide what is appropriate.

Also, you might want to consider what type of clown your wife finds the most disturbing. That information will be key in the handling of this matter. Then fill out all of the information on the attached forms. Or visit our site. We can have something arranged for you within the hour.

Thank you,


  1. That's excellent advice. Clown-loading as a kind of desensitizing agent for clown fear.

    I will be consulting the DSM IV for more deatails on the matter and am looking forward to more sage guidance from FMB in the future.

    As a matter of fact, I have some letters I would like to send. Perhaps you could be my oracle?

  2. "clown-loading".. I like that..

  3. Who does like a clown? I don't blame her. And what if they are still just friends. My wife still goes out with every boyfriend she's ever had, every night except Sunday. Maybe this is an overreaction?

  4. I should have put it at the top of my fifty things..
    Or maybe I should have made this to be the title of my blog:

    I am afraid of clowns..

  5. Ho, it sounds like there might be something frankenmonster can do for you.
    Contact our office and we'll set something up..

  6. You mean scare me with clowns? No thanks. 500 clowns? Espcially no thanks.

  7. How do you find the time to be a professional hit person and work all night at the shoe place?

  8. It's the only way I can afford all of this (big sweeping motion with my arm, suggesting the grandness of that which my rent provides me)..

    There are no free lunches, Mr. Ho.
    (again in Tippy Hendren voice, or Eartha Kitt, either way)

  9. *Spend several minutes taking it all in*

    No, nothing is free, but please, call me Ho.

  10. Hey Victoria! You and Your Boyfriend are Really Creepy. This is Bradford the Great. Don't bother tracking me through this post, cause I created a new virus software that Sends all hackers computers on the brink. You know, I sick the Trogan Horse Virus on your computer. Don't bother calling the F.B.I or Nothinglike that because I'm perfectly Harmless, If you don't try to hurt or offend me In Any sort of way. I've got a blog at wiverd.blogspot.com POST COMMENTS PLEASE>>>

  11. ..boyfriend?
    Are you referring to frankenmonsterblog?
    He's my Godfather, like family or an uncle or something.. (and he's like a million years old..)

    Thanks for the read, you movie was great.

  12. I hope he doesn't kill Bradford the Great for threatening with trojans.

  13. ..kill him? With what? His arsenal of pretend spiders?

  14. hehe. i was thinking his collection of wilma flintstone memorabelia.

    wilma can be very frightening.

    I'm just saying he seems a man who wouldn't fancy being threatened.

  15. ..and what kind of trojans?
    (that would be something frankenonsterblog would do)

  16. Hmmmmm.

    Tippy Hendron and Eartha Kitt.

    I peg you at a chronological age of...hmmmm....your parents humped, ah...let's see...yes, it wasn't in front of a roaring fireplace after a candlelight dinner like they said...it was 1969, perhaps after a feud because fighting sex is the best and they did it standing up...still fighting in fact...blows still glancing off each other's shoulders, head and neck and yet...they were able to retain the motion...battery and fun...all wrapped up into one.

  17. ..Wilma with her white as a piece of paper skin and those souless eyes..

    Wait. that sounds like me.

  18. WJ
    I love fun with solving mysteries especially when it involves math!
    (and.. you're damn close, how do you do that?)

  19. condoms, of course! isn't that what he was talking about?

    white skin is very nice...thinking cleopatra. all of the flintstones had the same eyes. nothing very sexy about the flintstones. now firestar...she was sexy.

  20. With Spiderman, right?
    Yeah the red hair is the same color, but she's got a better bod than Wilma, to be sure..

  21. Yes! And Iceman...was that his name? Something like that. Now that I think of it, they all kinda had soulless eyes, too. Must be the figure.

  22. I prefer Batman.
    ..and I think that kid was referring to you.

  23. It doesn't take long for it all to boil down to comic books, does it.
    Do you ever read Chris Ware, Fantagraphics?

  24. I can't help DN with his problem regarding his wife, but I can assure him and her for that matter that there is no such thing as an unreasonable - or irrational - fear of clowns. Clowns are very, very scary. And now that I think of it, so is Ertha Kitt.

  25. Would the clowns be street dancing yo? Like doing the worm and such? That would be ill. In a frighteningly bad way of course. Which is the point.

  26. No fear of clowns is unreasonable.

    I have lunch with my ex all the time, without her boyfriend's knowledge but just so he won't get jealous.

  27. Maybe..? there are all kinds of clowns.

    I am always pleased when I learn that someone else is afraid of clowns, it's like an immediate understanding.

    I'm afraid of them.

  28. MU
    (laughs)..right, and that is kind of the both of you to protect him from his own jealousy, the secret isn't building into any kind of monster that might explode later, no, not at all.. it's smart..

  29. I know an evil clown. I'm sure he'd be pleased to come right over.

  30. The creepy kid? W/ the stick figure flick?

    as to Chris Ware, yes. Good stuff. Great detail. Very impressive. the "underground" comic scene is marvellous. well, it used to be. i lost time for that hobby. did you see Crumb? And that other movie...American Splendor. Both very good, but Crumb was very VERY good.

  31. I saw AS, which I loved, and still have to see Crumb..
    I met CW a few years ago at Quimby's, and he was just incerdibly patient with his fans. The guy ahead of us was telling CW all about how his books had saved his life, which is cool, yet a little much.. and CW was like, you know if you ever need to talk you can call me on the phone, etc. It was unbelievable.
    ..and he signed one of my books and drew the lonely robot on it!

  32. ..yeah, I thought he was talking about me and frankenmonsterblog as being creepy, but he meant me and you.. which made me laugh.
    Liked his movie, but he's in the sixth grade, so..

  33. saved his life!!?? I hope no one ever says that to me. But if they do? I hope I have the coolness to tell them they can call me. Then I'll give them the wrong number! Won't that be quite a kick.

    6th grade? It fits together so well. I shall stop talking about the killing of all the stick figures. I would have been more favorable if it stopped before the 30 minute mark...

    I have a very nice R. Crumb illustrated story of Kafka's Met. It's very dark but interesting.

  34. heh-heh, very dark is very good..