the smuck show

..not to be confused with schmuck.

Today we have with us one of our favorite guests, Mr. Roman Grimiko. Roman, welcome back.. (applause, Roman slowly gets up from where he was comfortably sitting to give a nineteenth century sort of bow)..

So, Roman, you look good. What's going on with you?
You know..it's been a long many years since I got out of this business, and I can truly say at this, the darkest of hour of my life, that I have no worries.. no indigestion, no complaints.. I hear the birds, I smell the flowers..

Fantastic! So what do you have for us today?
These are some old notebooks of mine.. my legacy, if you will. They reveal all of my methods, formulas, short cuts.. tried and true.. you will even find some of my mistakes in here, for future generations to learn from. I thought why not, now that I have moved out of the country, why not reveal all of my trade secrets here today..

Alright! So what are we looking at here?
These are some photographs of one of our more difficult jobs. As you can see in this photo, we placed no less than a thousand Wilma Flintstone collectibles, images, and what-have-you around this poor schmuck's office. And, believe me, gathering together such a multitude of Wilma Flintstone objects.. well, it proved to be much more difficult than we had anticipated.. being that there were only three of us working together at that time.. and with only one car between us.. (Roman laughs to himself as he remembers this).

What was this for?
As it turned out.. the target was particularly afraid of Wilma Flintstone. And, as so often is the case, that information fell into the wrong hands..

I mean, what did he do.. to deserve this?
Oh something about a missing stapler, or was it a stolen sandwich? These things get blown out of proportion. Especially in small office settings. I've seen it happen countless times.

But then.. you guys came right in to rememdy the situation!
Oh yes.. thank god for us.. We saved a lot of people the trouble of having to deal with these kinds of things themselves.

What about legal repercussions?
Well what happens is, one party hires us to do something to a second party, and then later the the second party contacts us to get back at the first party. And on and on. We were indeed perpetuating all of these peoples problems, and they were paying us to do it! That's why we opperated by word of mouth so well. And the law.. no, the law never got involved..

So one job naturally translated into two jobs..
At minimum. People getting back at each other.. there were things that went on for years, and it escalates..

For example?
Well, for instance, look at this case file here.. this all started with a small plastic spider.. now look.. (turning many pages) look what it resulted in..

My God!
Right.. a small joke became quite serious within a few short months..

Needless to say, you guys got no flak for any of this..
No, everybody loved us.. we got turkeys for Christmas, tickets to the opera, cases of Dom.. sometimes casserole dishes. And later.. the baskets of muffins. You know. Not just money, but respect..