Jan 3, 2005

the smuck show

..not to be confused with schmuck.

Today we have with us one of our favorite guests, Mr. Roman Grimiko. Roman, welcome back.. (applause, Roman slowly gets up from where he was comfortably sitting to give a nineteenth century sort of bow)..

So, Roman, you look good. What's going on with you?
You know..it's been a long many years since I got out of this business, and I can truly say at this, the darkest of hour of my life, that I have no worries.. no indigestion, no complaints.. I hear the birds, I smell the flowers..

Fantastic! So what do you have for us today?
These are some old notebooks of mine.. my legacy, if you will. They reveal all of my methods, formulas, short cuts.. tried and true.. you will even find some of my mistakes in here, for future generations to learn from. I thought why not, now that I have moved out of the country, why not reveal all of my trade secrets here today..

Alright! So what are we looking at here?
These are some photographs of one of our more difficult jobs. As you can see in this photo, we placed no less than a thousand Wilma Flintstone collectibles, images, and what-have-you around this poor schmuck's office. And, believe me, gathering together such a multitude of Wilma Flintstone objects.. well, it proved to be much more difficult than we had anticipated.. being that there were only three of us working together at that time.. and with only one car between us.. (Roman laughs to himself as he remembers this).

What was this for?
As it turned out.. the target was particularly afraid of Wilma Flintstone. And, as so often is the case, that information fell into the wrong hands..

I mean, what did he do.. to deserve this?
Oh something about a missing stapler, or was it a stolen sandwich? These things get blown out of proportion. Especially in small office settings. I've seen it happen countless times.

But then.. you guys came right in to rememdy the situation!
Oh yes.. thank god for us.. We saved a lot of people the trouble of having to deal with these kinds of things themselves.

What about legal repercussions?
Well what happens is, one party hires us to do something to a second party, and then later the the second party contacts us to get back at the first party. And on and on. We were indeed perpetuating all of these peoples problems, and they were paying us to do it! That's why we opperated by word of mouth so well. And the law.. no, the law never got involved..

So one job naturally translated into two jobs..
At minimum. People getting back at each other.. there were things that went on for years, and it escalates..

For example?
Well, for instance, look at this case file here.. this all started with a small plastic spider.. now look.. (turning many pages) look what it resulted in..

My God!
Right.. a small joke became quite serious within a few short months..

Needless to say, you guys got no flak for any of this..
No, everybody loved us.. we got turkeys for Christmas, tickets to the opera, cases of Dom.. sometimes casserole dishes. And later.. the baskets of muffins. You know. Not just money, but respect..

62 comments:

  1. And so...just like that...it was over? Retired?

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  2. Cases of Dom???

    And to think, I would have settled for just a Keystone sixer. I'm easy like that.

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  3. Roman would have been just as happy to receive a bowl of goulash, but when people are kissing ass they tend to run all out of ideas..

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  4. Anonymous10:36 PM

    My oh my, Roman's still at it? The old bounder. He stole my case of Dom by the way. That five finger discount of his is legendary.

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  5. Well hell, that last comment was from me but I was on anonymous mode for some dumb reason. Whatever it may be!

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  7. Hey YGWIN!
    Yeah Roman's still at it, but he'll be out of everyone's hair and back in hiding place in Europe soon..

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  8. ..bounder, that's funny..

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  9. Anonymous11:16 PM

    dOg SmAt dAt!
    7upj0j0

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  10. Anonymous11:19 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  11. Anonymous11:21 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  12. Anonymous11:23 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  13. Anonymous11:24 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  14. Anonymous11:26 PM

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    ^^
    7uPjjjjjjjjjjj00000000000JJJOOOOO

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  15. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  16. Anonymous12:23 AM

    dAt-dD0G^ 8tE daT-QkaT
    POW 2*d j0

    ~peace~

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  17. Who is anon? And why do they speak in silly symbols? And why don't they shut the fuck up?

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  18. Was that which came above the result of online insanity? A freaky buzz by? Or true GENIUS? I think that we shall never know.

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  19. ..as much as I hate to admit it, and had to remove most of it..it was genious, it really was.

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  20. Anonymous3:15 PM

    ssmmMaq! @ dAt m0nStAr *p0w*
    j0j0777777777777777777777uPP

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  21. I took German so you'll have to forgive me, is it:

    smack at that monster?

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  22. *snicker at V's woeful grasp of "slangspeak"*

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  23. Looks like a Bill Gate's cyborgasm.

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  24. Pardon me, I may be thinking about this too hard but.. Do you think if we give JoJo his wanted 7 up we'd be able to understand his or her writings more? His or her wisdom in words. Hi Vic, happy new year.

    Low 6o's with heavy downpour throughout the night.

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  25. Anonymous6:10 PM

    sMaq^ pImP^
    7 Di b0mB*

    ~tAg~ 8(
    7777777777

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  26. Anonymous6:25 PM

    yo 7 WMB!!!

    bLiNg~BlInG

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  27. Smack it right back at you pimp. Hi five is the bird with the word. 7 is the bomb, you are correct. I will consider tagging it, the 7 that is, if you will reveal anonymous self dawg. Keep it real 'Anony' otherwise those chickenheads will be screaming "You don't know me!", with their arms flying all over the place, you know.

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  28. Anonymous6:27 PM

    yo bL*Ng
    w4rE U aT?
    ~7~

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  29. Anonymous6:28 PM

    @ mAndi_cAndi
    dUz?

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  30. Anonymous6:30 PM

    cUfF Mi 1 h0tD+fRiEs y0*

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  31. Anonymous6:31 PM

    gots no$cheddah 7

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  32. This riddle you present to me questioning my whereabouts,hmmm. Why 7? Why?

    My Dearest Victoria,

    Many Apologies. I hear your blogger has been ill with many anonymitys. I do hope it gets well soon.

    Forever Yours Truely,
    Winky

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  33. Anonymous6:40 PM

    $PoTs Mi 1 h0t`DOg yO
    ~7~

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  34. Anonymous6:42 PM

    eYeS spots U a pOp
    no mo
    ~B*b*~
    lUUVVs

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  35. Anonymous6:44 PM

    bY4
    ~Di7~

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  36. Anonymous6:45 PM

    mAnDi sez yo
    ~B~

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  37. Anonymous6:47 PM

    {{g0t$ dAt}}

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  38. 7-11, 7-up, 7th Heaven, 7ate9, 7 bottles of beer on the wall but soon there will be six and Captain Giggles is already drunk. Dang one sip of seven and my bird flew the coop. I'm gettin' outta' here. See ya' on the flip 7.

    Wink Wink

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  39. 7 ate 9? Dear god.

    Also, V, I'm the mad tagger. Watch this. Yo yo yo yo, wazzup in the hizzie. See? I speak rap. Actually, I got that from Meatwad. Where is he when you need him.

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  40. Wow, I think this post should go down in history, or on history, or go down on somthing, because if this shizzle gets any funnier, then I'm going to find other things LESS funny, because the bar has just been set too damn high... you dig?

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  41. You got what I need:
    ..go down on something.. you are killing me!

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  42. And.. 7up, I just got home from work, and from what I gather, you wanted bling bling to get you (one) hot dog with fries.. but she begged off due to lack of funds.. Something like that..?
    Now, I AM on pins and needles about the hot dog, I really am. I think everybody is. And who wouldn't be? Whatever is up with you and bling bling, it matters HERE at frankenmonsterblog. It definitely pertains to frankenmonsterblog.. We are, after all, a sort of telephone between you and bling bling, and I don't want to get in the way of any of that.. But you know, you could probably just get your own hot dog with far less effort. Something to think about. Hey, maybe you should be buying bling bling the hot dog, did you ever think of that? Imagine how that might change the dynamic between you two. It's just a thought..

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  43. eYeS spots U a pOp
    no mo
    ~B*b*~
    lUUVVs

    haha. just kidding.

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  44. Are you kidding because you are JoJo, or are you kidding because you know all of us fools eyes lit up the second we saw that brilliant jibber jabber scribble dabble. Everything should have two b's in it.

    I just had a strange thought.... what if all of these people in blogland are the same people except me. It would have to be you Vic cause' you are the only one I know personally, face to face, mono y mono. It's some devilishly wicked enormous scheme, some half cocked plan. What is it V are you taking over the world. V is for Victory! I have brought two other people in to this dark underworld of yours.

    I am and will always be your faithful servant.

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  45. ..all the blogs are ME.. no, worse, they are all just part of a computer program that makes you think that there are still real humans out there on the planet..

    I found JoJo..

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  46. I hope I am one of those people *ahem* to whom you refer.

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  47. Anonymous4:46 AM

    *PoW* MoNsTaR dUz
    ><><><><><><><><>
    DiG dAt*
    j0j0

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  48. JoJo? JoJo is dead to me.

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  49. I see your *Ahem and raise you 20. Of course I include you WJ because as Vitoria kindly pointed out you are all the same person. One giant computer entity for one Winky Stanofowick. My only friend. Just like in 2001 at some point everything will come caving in on me and I'll have to kill you. (in a low monotone computered voice) "...I'm dying Winky...Wink..".

    Please BH don't let Jojo die. He lives in all of us. Now raise your hands in song everyone.

    Vic if this comment section, of this blog, were a river you'd be in Mexico by now.

    Sunny low 70's.

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  50. LMAO! Victoria, I kept wondering why you hadn't posted in a couple of days... now that I've read the hot dog saga, I think I understand what's been keeping you so busy... :)

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  51. Hey Kim! I've missed you!
    ..I'm working on something to post soon right now..

    Wink. Uh, we need to talk. Did you see it?

    WJ, someone suggested somewhere that you, Blog Ho (Hi, Ho) and AB, and someone else were all the same person.. I thought about that for a good long minute and I just don't think it's possible.

    stopped snowing, cold, with sunshine.

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  52. Very funny. I can't remember which post I was reading yesterday, but I had to try to keep from laughing out loud at work about Tracy Butlers forecast.

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  53. Vic I did see, and we do need to talk. Meet me tonight under the the blue line on halsted, midnight. Come alone. That or I'll use the phone one of these days soon.

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  54. Ok. Midnight? Ok. See you then.
    I can't find my mace, so I've taken to carying around a big can a of Raid. Right in my hand with my finger on the nozzel. And I think people are much more threatened by this than they were the little bottle of mace, because, now, they cross the street when they see me coming. Which is good. Good for all parties involved.

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  55. Raid is very stinky. Plus it could give you cancer...in 30 years. Who wants that?

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  56. This evening we will feel large gust of wind, possible light showers, 52 degrees.

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  57. Victoria - if you run out of raid, try carrying a can of wasp spray. Even better.

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  58. Kim, I know what you're talking about. I've also got a bottle of some tragic perfume that I got as a gift from someone (who apparently did all of their Christmas shopping at the grocery store) that also might work well. I'm thinking these items would all work better than pepper spray, if not mace.

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  59. Anonymous6:38 PM

    I hate that perfume, I have a bottle too. Why is it it's always that perfume that spills or leaks all over your belongings. That smell just doesn't go away.

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  60. Why with this anonymous????

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