quit smoking

As I mentioned last week, it helps me to write down those things that make me want to smoke.

By make me want to smoke, I mean that moment when the thought of having a cigarette has its death grip on me, where nothing else matters, where the idea that "I'm gonna die anyway" isn't so much of a cop-out, as it is a soothing, rescuing, all-absolving mantra.

I think the act of stopping everything, getting out my notebook (stupid notebook) and writing it down - weakens the hold those moments have over me.

(because it's working)

The things that make me want to smoke are stupid. And countless.

Example:

While on the train, thinking about the role Catherine Keener played in Being John Malkovich (in fact, any of her roles), I decide that she was motivated by pure, unchecked bitchiness..

[An incredible urge to smoke washes over me.]

While walking past a convenience store, I deliberate whether or not to go in. That is, whether or not I'm quitting right now..

[The idea of going in and buying a pack of cigarettes actually brings tears to my eyes.]

While listening to two co-workers start yelling over each other - as the subject of "John Lennon glasses" gets heated..

[How annoying - and probably because I'm going through withdrawal, though (and this is where cravings get tricky) the topic of John Lennon glasses in general makes me want to smoke (independently of my being annoyed by the yelling) and no - I don't like John Lennon glasses at all.]

While seeing a beautiful wall paper pattern in a book..

[This seeing of patterns (or colors, textures, designs) happens all the time at work - so this accounts for probably 20% of my cravings. I don't know why seeing something beautiful makes me want to smoke - other than I must have always smoked in response to great wall paper patterns in the past.]

While throwing together a made up steak sauce (very tasty)..
[Maybe it was the "emergency" of discovering that I was out of steak sauce and then creating one in the nick of time.]
Anyway, on another topic: I love the blog zenhabits.
The author, who has been blogging for one year, now has a book deal and just recently quit his day job to concentrate solely on his blog.
Now that makes me want to smoke!

can't we be a bit more French about this?

Now with spell check! Now making sense!
I realize that a part of my brain is dedicated to trying to get me to smoke.

A very clever, relentless part of my brain.

I can't put my finger on that thing that makes me want to smoke. Because an actual trigger can be anything.

Example:

I see the words Johnny Rotten = I want to smoke

I see the words financial setback = I want to smoke

I think of a new way to do something (anything) = I want to smoke

I switch on a lamp and the light bulb burns out = I want to smoke

It was a forty year old lamp. A forty year old light bulb. That still worked. Until today.

A forty year old, very possibly German lamp and light bulb (that I've never seen anywhere else ever before).

A very possibly irreplaceable lamp and light bulb.

I think about smoking a lot.

In an aside, I should mention that I have a lamp guy who can sort all of this out for me.

Though, he is such a realist (depressive) that I can already hear the disappointing news (in that voice of his), that:

"there is no way" he can locate such light bulbs, bla, bla (on and on).

This lamp guy tends to err on the side of (reality) practicality.

And he's the only lamp guy in Chicago.

(I'd do anything for a more upbeat lamp guy)

(chorus)

Then there's France.

My mind will tell me - someone in France is smoking right now.

She (this French smoker) says, "..ah life, what are you going to do?", and lights another cigarette with the burning end of her last cigarette.

She is living her life. Her French life.

Can't I live my French life, too?Can't I ?

Can't I ?