Dec 7, 2004

a letter from Mona

Dear frankenmonsterblog,

A few nights ago I went to this party in my building, and discovered almost a year's worth of my Jr Spy Chronicles (with address labels still attached) stacked near the toilet in my neighbor's bathroom. I was shocked. I thought my subscription had run out. And there they were. My happy magazines stolen and left to die right near a toilet. As I wasn't sure what to do, I fixed my hair, went back out and got drunk. And behaved for all practical purposes like I was just a normal guest at this party. Which was not the case because the whole time I was either a) assimilating what I had just discovered, or b) trying to put together some kind of plan. Finally, after an hour or so, I gatherd my thoughts, determined that the coast was clear, grabbed a drink and proceeded back in to the bathroom.

The plan was simple: I double locked the door (that is, both the bolt and the eye-and-hook thing), opened the window, and as quickly as I could I put my year's worth of Jr Spy Chronicles out on the fire escape where I could secretly retrieve them later. Then I closed the window (not an easy window to work with, it's an old building), flushed the toilet (in keeping with the ruse) washed my hands (also part of the ruse, as well as just good sense) and walked casually back out. In an aside, I should mention that it was at this point that I started to genuinely enjoy the party. I even got into a very interesting argument/discourse with an attractive, unattached man about my hair (which he felt was too big, and where I very compellingly explained that he was missing the whole irony of my hair, as it was not meant to be taken seriously so much as it was meant to be retro). But after a while, the thrill of what I'd pulled off waned and the guilt started to nag at me. I thought, What have I done?.. That was kind of petty .. do I want to be that girl? And most of all .. what if he sees the magazines out there on the fire escape..?

So, I returned to the bathroom, locked the door, opened the window. The whole spiel. And I began the now all too familiar process of dealing with these magazines and put them all back where I had found them. But then I thought, wait a second.. these are MY magazines, dammit. And, so, once again, I put the magazines back onto the fire escape. And just for the hell of it, most of his toiletries. And all of his towels. I noticed that his eye drops were prescription, so I left those in the cabinet in case he has an eye infection. Then I got an idea about squeezing out the remainder of the eyedrops and replacing whatever was in the bottle with tap water (from the sink. I'm not evil..). Which I did. But it took a while, as I discovered getting running water into a bottle through a tiny dropper opening is really difficult. Then I took a deep breath and returned to the party, which at that point was hitting a serious lull.

I guess the reason I'm writing you is that I wish to express how deeply I regret that I hadn't known about your establishment before I allowed myself to handle this particular problem on my own.. and while drunk. I found out about frankenmonsterblog the next day, as I'm sure you now recognize me from my letter, I'm certain that it was my neighbor who had employed your team to "get me" in the fashion that they did. If only I'd been aware of my options and had hired frankenmonsterblog to handle this mess in the first place, I might have both my magazines and my dignity right now. So, in closing, I'd just like to say that you got me frankenmonsterblog. You got me good.

Signed,
Mona

25 comments:

  1. Just water? I figured maybe rubbing alcohol or hydrogen peroxide. But I am just mean that way.

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  2. well you know.. Mona's ridiculous, but she's not (quite) criminal, at least that's what I understand.. from her letter I mean.

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  3. Brilliant AND charming. I wear a Ricky Martin t-shirt and receive similar comments to your hair, except people call me gay and slap my face.

    I did notice that you didn't mention washing your hands while going through the motions of being in the bathroom. Was this a mistake, or a hygenic faux pas?

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  4. Excellent, as always. Victoria... you are good!

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  5. Poor Mona, go with the best or get flogged on like all the rest. Frankenmonsterblog is the GRANDE DAME of diabolical revenge plotting, so sinners beware.

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  6. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
    ::::::MoNsT*aR:
    dAtZjUs'WaCk:::
    ((pOp*7

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  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  8. Bling,
    ..what can I do for you?
    I'm sorry, how rude of me, I mean:

    wat kan i do 4 U

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  9. Ho, thank you.. and that guy suggested that Mona was gay, too, but for other reasons, and for some reason she left that part out of her (rather long winded) letter..

    Kim, thank you, and by the way, I hope the tax thing is working out, when I read your post I got that awful and oh so familiar tax feeling in my stomach.. more about that tax feeling later..

    YGWIN, right? We should all take a lesson from Mona..

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  10. ..and Ho,
    I don't know what you're talking about. Mona mentions washing her hands about a million times in that letter. Do you even read my posts?

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  11. I would worry more about a stack of absorbant magazines that have been near a toliet for a year.

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  12. *absorbent - Excellent post

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  13. Seriously. Magazines near the facility, for months on end, at the very least it would be an issue of mildew.

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  14. I try to read them, but they bore me so *yawn* This one I couldn't quite get through, I must have stopped before you got to washing. I just read it line to line and realized you wash your hands a lot.

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  15. *Yawn* yeah I know what you mean. I'm just now waking up from the nap I took in response to reading this comment of yours.. But, thank you, I haven't slept like that in ages..

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  16. hehe. I was saddened to see the bold has vanished. That was a clever touch.

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  17. Mr. Ho,
    the bold was a little joke just for you. But *yawn* the moment has passed..

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  18. it was terribly funny. i'd like to yawn about it but i just don't have the energy.

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  19. Walgreen's:
    cat food/litter
    chapstic
    stamps
    thing of water
    dish detergent
    laundry detergent
    quarters
    dryer sheets
    votives
    PAPER
    take in film

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  20. I got all of those things for you. Please come up and get them. I also just watched Rushmore. I'm sure you've seen it before, as have I, but I love it so. What could I do but watch it again?

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  21. Quarters too!! Thanks, I'll be right up. Kind of late to be doing laundry, but when else am I going to get a dryer in that stupid laundry room of ours..

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  22. I'm sorry. I've been a dryer hog. Perhaps we should go in on a dryer and share it.

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  23. Sorry Vick, it's just that I thought maybe that since she all was talkin to wyatt you knew her, by the way its Brad, Bradford the Great is just a cheesy nickname

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  24. I was confused, but it was funny.. I was like what have I done?

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