you're flicking people off

This is good.

I don't know how it is possible that you are as lucid and up to tricks as you are (considering what you went through less than twenty four hours ago).

You'reTom.

Tom without a voice.

A little buzzed.

Trying to get at your tubes and bandages.

Taking my hand and kissing it as if to apologize.

A broad sweeping aplogy.

For this. For everything.

It's ok.

I love you.

Six weeks minimum.

Ok?

Can you stand it?

The fact that you can't will be meaningful in your progress.

You are a fighter.

I've heard it a million times. I've said it a million times.

You mouthed it a couple of days ago. Get me out of here.

We're working on it, baby.

That's the thing.

You will live to tell the tale.

it is what it is

An infection in the brain.

This was not supposed to happen.

None of this was supposed to happen.

A standing date.

I wait for five o clock.

I get there and the process begins.

Wait in line
Get a pass
Walk to ICU
Wait to see if ICU will let me in
Get into ICU
Wait to see if you are available
Go into your room

Tommy

I hold your hand

I talk to others

Things to remember

Things to know

I look into your eyes

I tell you that you're doing great

I kiss your hand

I wait

To be alone with you

I undo your restraints

You kiss me - I kiss you
I tell you things

You are ok

I look into your eye

I love you

I'm so lucky that I met you

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me

I hold your hand

I tell you everything is alright

You are healing

This is temporary

I love you

Until you fall asleep

And you look at me with your one big open eye.

Or you write me strange poetry.

The beginning of one idea - the end of another.

I keep these pieces of paper close to me.

Sometimes at work I study your bank photo ID.

I lifted it from your wallet. Sorry.

It's mine now.

I try to read your lips. I try to comfort you.

You comfort me.

You touch my face. You try to put your finger up my nose.

It was probably glitter. There is always glitter on my nose from my work.

There are a lot of wires at my work. I get aound them to style my merchandise.

There are a lot of wires at the hospital, too.

Brain infection.

As it turns out - metal doesn't respond to antibiotics.

Metal.

I want it out.

I met you on a weird day.

Eyes.

Yours are so beautiful.

Arms. Your arms.

You know what's happened to me - what has happend to you?

This was not what I expected.

This was exactly what was expected.

I knew.

You knew.

Shocking - wrong - devastating.

Understood - accepted - prepared for.

We talked about this. We talked about this alot.

We talked about this too much.

You meant to protect me.

Get home safely.

Get home safely.

Bacteria.

Battery.

A well lit alley. The way people manage through.

You laugh.

You smile.

You smiled tonight.

you have something to say

Of the list of things that are healing, that need to heal, that will heal (that is, will begin the process of healing - with or without medical attention - because the body has it's own agenda) withdrawl steps in line.

They put it on hold.

Yes. It will wait. But not for long.

So you cough and shake. And it exhausts you.

The cigarettes that I dug out of your clothes? Don't worry. I smoked them.

It was for the best.

The El pass? I haven't smoked that yet. I'll keep it for you. That and a few others things.

You're awake and talking.

This came as a surprise on Wednesday.

No sound comes from your lips. But you're talking. You've got so much to say.

The best conversation I've had in weeks is the one I had with you today.

All eyes.

Handsome you. How do you do it?

Your eyes. Your smile. Your pissed off mood. Your silent laugh. Your incredulousness.

You roll your eyes.

You give me your hand.

You say things. You're amused. You're frustrated.

I hear you.

Sometimes I manage to read your lips.

hey, baby

somebody told me

I want

not cold

friend

no

ok

I love you

sister

this thing is

So I brought over the page of phrases from the speech therapist. So that you could point to a box and say what you need to say.

Things like:

I am humgry.

I am in pain.

I love you.

I handed it to you. You took it from my hand and positioned it so that you could read it.

You looked at it for a very long time.

I pointed to the alphabet at the bottom. You could spell it out. Like a message on a Ouija board. Take your time. I'm listening.

Yes. You understood. You studied it.

Finally you pointed to the letter J. You looked at me to make certain that I got that.

That was J.

Yes. Got it. J.

Satisfied that I understood, you handed the alphabet back to me. That was it. You were done.

J

So I went to get a pen and paper. I put the pen in your hand and got the paper just where you wanted it. I told you to take your time.

You held the pen at the paper for a while.

Then I ran to my bag to get a felt tip. Brilliant. That would be better. I switched the pens.

I got the paper back in position.

The pen was in your hand. You were deffinitely holding the pen. The pad of paper was right. You proceeded to put the pen onto the paper.

And you held it there as you concentrated.

A blot started to form.

But then you started to move the pen. It was a struggle. But a shape started to form. A sort of C shape.

You paused. Thinking about the next thing to write. I said nothing. This was good. A good idea on my part. For once. I had an idea.

I felt really good about the whole thing.

You would now be able to say something. Anything. And I would be able to "read" it. What you have to say. And this would relieve you of all that you have to say.

And I was all ears. I didn't dare speak or move or break the spell.

I was so glad.

I looked at the paper. Focused all of my attention on the paper. You did, too.

And it might take time. But I was all in. I was ready. For whatever you had to say. Seriously it could be anything.

You drew a sort of C shape and handed the paper back to me.

C shape.

You waited to see what I thought.

I told you it was good.

You nodded in agreement.

Yes. It was good.

sometimes I realize that I don't know what I'm doing

This happens regularly.

It happens at work.

I'll pause for a moment too long, and realize that I have no idea what I am doing.

A box will be brought over to me.

A box that contains a turtle crafted out of a kitchen sponge, a small plastic Easter basket, three pieces of construction paper (each carefully sandwiched between non-acid cardboard and labeled: MOCK UP! suggesting that no actual construction paper could be spared at this time, that something terrible must have happened in the world of construction paper, that a team of mock-up specialists had to be called in to create a facsimile, that meetings were held, probably "frantic" meetings, maybe even "speaker phone" meetings), and a bottle of glue (a real bottle of glue, I checked).

You get the picture.

These items somehow make sense.

But it was never explained to me. And as I talked to people (about the items in this box), it became clear that it was never explained to anyone. And every box is like this.

So, if I don't allow myself to think, these items will be arranged in a "logical" way for the purpose of commercial photography.

But, if I think (at all) about the relationship between the sponge, the basket, the paper, and the glue - I might balk.

Not all the time, but some of the time.

Same goes when I wake up, that is, "snap out of it". My little cloud suddenly dissipates and I realize I have no idea what I'm doing.

In life.

This seems to happen a lot while on the train. Or while in line at the grocery store.

Even while arranging cheese on a platter. I proceed rotely. At first. Certain, somehow, that I know just how to arrange six or seven (disparate yet complimentary) cheeses.

But when I'm done, and I step back (away from the cheese) and I really see it for what it is (that is, cheese), I know immediately that it isn't working.

No. It's not even close to what I saw in my mind.

So, I walk away for a while. Then come back. To take another look and somehow it's gotten worse. The cheese is not attractive, but merely functional. And nothing (I mean nothing) about it looks like the cheese I've seen on platters in the past.

This is not what I had to set out to do with the cheese.

How did this happen? This applies to every facet of my life.

The bottom line - not thinking (ever) is the key to maintaining the idea that I DO know what I'm doing.

And, yes, I have talked to other people about this.

They all said the same thing. That they, "..definitely do know what they were doing. All of the time".

And I asked at least ten people.

silly me

So, last night I was sitting here trying to create a crossword puzzle (long story) which, it turns out, is a lot more fun than actually doing crossword puzzles.

I was surprised at how much graph paper I was wasting. I had to switch to pencil.

The coming up with clues - that's the instant gratification part. It gets one geared up for the fitting-all-the-words-together part.

Seeing as I don't believe in having any black squares or spaces in a crossword (though, admittedly, I never do them - crossword puzzles - I don't like them), the second part was trickier, not as fun, but more like science (almost).

Or like math. Math using letters. Which is ok. So, a few hours had gotten away from me. I noticed that the sun went down, but I continued working by the light of the window anyway. I just didn't want to stop and mess up my momentum.

Eventually I was working in the dark, but by then my eyes had adjusted to the light from the street, and, really - it didn't matter. I could (by then) feel via instinct where the squares were. Then my boyfriend called. To see how I was. And we spoke for a few minutes. About this and that. His day, my day, bla-di-bla.

And, finally, he said something about the sandwich. Which was a relief. Because I really wanted to reiterate that I felt it was a bland sandwich. That, in no way, was that sandwich what I had intended (and would like another chance), etc, etc.

He argued this point with me a bit. He said that he thought it was a good sandwich. And I think he meant it. But then he said something about mustard.

I hadn't thought of that.

Mustard.

Of course.

mayo

Holidays. They're all in our heads.

Today, for example. Today is observed as perfect-turkey-sandwich day. And with it all the stress, expectations and controversy of any other holiday.

Case in point. I used to use Miracle Whip.

Don't get mad. Used to. I used to use Miracle Whip. Used to.

I've stopped. And it is due to peer pressure that I've stopped.

It seems that people have very strong feelings when it comes to Miracle Whip.

That is, that Miracle Whip is NOT mayonnaise. And never will be.

In my research (and in no way was it my intention to make this my research, though, rather, it was imposed upon me as a study) I've found that Miracle Whip (being such a point of contention between people, even chefs, even casual sandwich makers, and probably scientists) brings out the very worst in people.

I have been met with nothing short of incredulousness on this topic.

I have also made these (incredulous) people a number of sandwiches in the past. Sandwiches where I employed Miracle whip as a dressing.

And I heard nothing but raves about said sandwiches.

Miracle Whip. What's the big deal?

It started when I was very young. A few sandwiches (actually four) had made it into our kitchen. These were sandwich from the outside. Sandwiches from my grandmother's kitchen. Made from Thanksgiving leftovers.

Made with a little olive on stick (the stick meant to hold the whole thing together, of course, as it was a many tiered sandwich). Made with a tiny bit of horseradich. Made with love.

Made with Miracle Whip.

These sandwiches were intended for the next day. For Friday. Sandwich day.

We hadn't even taken off our coats when these sandwiches were taken out of their parcel (also stuffing, cranberries, potato pancakes, petit-fours, waffles..)

We lacked discipline.

But I didn't care about that. I was wondering why it seemed that this was how a sandwich was supposed to taste (and never did).

I wanted to know why.

Really. The figuring out why something was better than something else. So as to achieve the better result from that point on - a life long habit.

This upset my mother. She didn't want to answer any of my questions.

I know now that this was due to the fact that her family used mayonnaise.

And families that use mayonnaise do not use Miracle Whip. Nor do they, for that matter, ever talk about Miracle Whip.

They behave as though Miracle Whip doesn't exist.

Then my father walked into the room and informed me that it was Miracle Whip.

Miracle Whip was why I liked this sandwich (for once). It was what was missing from every other sandwich I'd ever had, yes, and (he added) no, we would never have Miracle Whip in this house. Ever. Because my mother was against it. End of discussion.

Enjoy your sandwich. Go to bed.

In that order.

This is a true story.

is this thing on ?

A-hem.

I used to like my blog.

I believe the first thing I ever posted regarded Thanksgiving Hangover 2004.

Times were different then. But aren't times always different?

Consider:

1967 - 1974
* Fell and scraped my knee. Was administered a band-aid.
* Became upset with a sibling due to some injustice.
* Was sent to my room without dinner.
* They had stuffed peppers, hot rolls and a salad.

1975
* Moved to the suburbs
* Barbie dolls
* Beef stroganoff, beets, and rye bread (with apple butter).

1974 - 1990:
* Went to school
* Got a job
* Started to mess with the color of my hair.

1990 - 1993
* Mexican food and eye-liner.
* Windex (also lightbulbs; household items)

1993 - 1997
* Exercise
* Fun clothes
* Money
* Vodka

1997 - 2003
* School
* Not much money
* Some vodka

2004
* Started a blog

2006
* Polish sausage, kraut (with brown sugar, apples, horseradich, caraway seeds, black pepper, and a very nice Hungarian mustard), acorn squash, warm bread with Danish butter.
* Pain in abdomen

Etc, etc.

I could go on and on..

is my blog broken?

I think my blog is broken. It has been a long time. Yes.

Seriously. What's wrong with my blog?

(clears off cob webs..)

Ok. It does work. Good. I was terrified. Really.

So, I'm looking for a couch. For real this time. Read about it in my archives. I'm afraid to post a link. For fear of errors. But here it is. (for the love of God, click on the highlighted word).

We'll see.

I didn't need a couch back then. Now it's dire.

Couches. Such a pain in the ass.

Mona: so goth, so scary

I need a vacation.

I forgot until today that it's the fifth of August. My bills!

So, last night I was looking at the Mona Lisa in a book I took from my dad's house. Despite the redundancy of the Mona Lisa, I like the Mona Lisa. I've never seen the real thing. But I like what I have seen. And seeing as I (and all humans) have probably seen more images of Mona Lisa than of anyone or anything else in the world, it's a good thing (that I like her). I was paging through this book knowing that she was inside. I was looking forward to seeing her. Just sort of winding down and getting myself ready to fall asleep. But then I did come across her page. And all of a sudden I became very afraid of her. Mona Lisa seemed dark and evil. As though she could see me, too, (and was looking right through me). This was unprecedented. I got up and turned on every light in my apartment. Then I made myself an ice water and watched the news. It was in this fashion that I talked myself back down.

Mona Lisa.. not evil. Mona Lisa.. not an asshole.

I went to sleep. But the Mona Lisa (which never sleeps) remains a bit of an issue. For five hundred years, Mona Lisa. Just sitting there. Hands folded. So lady like. Waiting. Like a spider.

I don't know what to do.

shredder: now on fire and removed from the premises

I'm serious.

My dad liked to make lists with small sketches off to the side. Very recently I was laughing about this very thing. My dad's picto-lists. I really laughed. As if it were precious. My dad, his peccadilloes. How funny. How strange. Then I found one today. In my files. A list that I had made months ago with little sketches of the listed objects off to the side. It all comes down to:

dad x OCD = me x OCD

I tried to crunch the numbers but, as it turns out, absolutes can't be toyed with. Math is math. More accurately, math = math. Numbers don't lie. Nor do mirrors. People do (mostly to themselves, and unsuccessfully), but not numbers.

So I spent the entire day getting rid of my old files. And my shredder, old smokey (its new, posthumously deemed title, old smokey is indeed charred and smoking in the alley right now), had quite a work out today. My shredder, now at rest. Now garbage.

That's ok. Everything is garbage. And, as anyone who has ever read me knows, I'm boring. And I'm interested in less. Less stuff. Less furniture. Less darling little (handmade or mass produced) thingies made of wood, porcelain, bisque or paper. Less clothing. Less musee de la ma vie gunk and goo. Less crap. More function. Less guilt. More reality. Less being confronted by memories (because, lets face it, they're always there, the memories, whether we want to remember them or not) via every scrap of cloth, piece of plastic, or three dimensional rendering of whatever it was that happened and no longer matters. Each and every albatross, one albatross at a time. Gone. I mean, go away. Please. Because I have to be like this now, so that I'm not like that later.

You know what I mean.

It's been noticed. What happens to people. It's:

..lets cover every surface of every room with EVERYTHING in the world !

or:

..I don't know, one day she just started shopping..

or:

..eat everything on your plate (and while you're at it, keep every piece of paper you've ever touched)..

(clears throat)

NEWS BULLETIN: eating everything on one's plate when one is already sated is just a different kind of waste!

No.

I refuse.

Help: I need less.

And so this has became quite an issue with me. It really has. In my life. And it has been expressed in this blog. And I believe I've lost my readership in the process.

It's why I can say fuck right now and it doesn't matter. Because no one is reading this. Though in reality I just say frick. Or F. But don't misunderstand. Invective has it's place. Motherfucker. Motherfricker. Tomato. Potato. All good. All effective as words. I like to say the word fuck. And I like to yell. And to pretend that my yelling is singing (that is, that I think that my yelling sounds like singing, so that whomever is around doesn't know what to do, as they're both appalled and polite).

Yes. Looking more closely at the list that I found today, I can only conclude that it was started eighteen months ago. It's been updated here and there. The different colored pens that I used attest to this. It's a list of all the things I have managed to get rid of. And the very fact that there was a list (with sketches of said items in the margins) suggests that I was proud:

metal shelves

bentwood chair

big dying plant

metal milk crate

old luggage

metal shoe thing

blue ottoman

my aunt's side table

old printer

old boom box

my brother's big TV

16 bags of clothes

wooden book case

3 boxes of book

small dresser

red velvet chair circa 1899 - gone to a better location

bedroom set - to be safely stored elsewhere

3 plastic 1970's school chairs - to be similarly stored

1950's telephone table/chair - as above

3 boxes of crap - donated to charity

oval coffee table - taken by very nice family. I waved as they drove it away.

Goodbye.

But the plot took a twist a few months ago as my dad's things started to arrive steadily into my space: all that I have gotten rid of has been replaced.

Magically.

Of course I'm attempting to keep two steps ahead of this. I'm in a constant state of input/output minded readiness. Is that garbage! Incoming furniture and objects have yet to cease. And so I operate accordingly. And, as my dad's house was kept compactly (if not discretely) filled, this could go on forever. The casual observer would never have known that behind every row of books stood a second row of books. That behind or beneath the first layer of everything was a second layer of something else. Or that there might be a pair of scissors in every drawer. That's a lot of scissors.

dad's house = never empty

It's one of the reasons I like posting to my blog. Even if it is garbage, no paper is involved. And it takes no real space.

note

I may have just had some bad orange juice. I'll get back this matter as soon as I receive any concrete data (currently: conflicting reports).

Under the heading of "corrections": I would like to mention that the P in my previous post stood for paragraph. To be quite clear (as I suspect that were misunderstandings, a grave mistake on my part, and rest assured - to my horror).

Finally, I would like to appeal to winky once more (a shamelessly public appeal, though, believe me, no one is reading this) that she might again post something on her blog.

Best.

^ P ^

Or something very close to that.

You know what I mean. Open tag P close tag. P is for pop-tart. Psychiatrist. Puddle. Paradox. Pinky toe. But most of all P is for paragraph.

I have line breaks.

That's a line break. That's what's happening. Lines have been broken. The walls that stood for so long between me and my paragraphs have been dissembled. I watched them as they crumbled into nothing more than a pile debris d'HTML.

Just like that. Poof.

P is for poof.

cups and cakes

A quick update: I've read that pj smorg has recently uploaded something on youtube. I believe smorg took some real risks (that artist rarely do today, particularly in film) with this piece, an installation that is not only very personal to smorg (must be), but also suggests that more smorg-induced laughter could be right around the corner (what with this youtube medium). Let's hope so. It's a gem.

Furthermore, I read Winky this morning. Though she rarely if ever posts, I read winky each day. It's a great read. Both of the above blogs are on, up and running and are available for reading. Right now.

life is for the living

And the dead wouldn't have it any other way.

I have grown certain of this. I've been cleaning out an old man's house. Actually he wasn't that old. And he's getting younger. He's about thirty-five. In my mind, now that he's dead. Permanently thirty-five.

My dad. Laughing. Angry. Laughing due to a sudden bout of schadenfraude, no doubt. Piss and vinegar. Olive oil and vinegar. Either way.

A hard working, no exceptions, no excuses, ..I don't care if you baby-sat the entire summer ..I'm going to finally locate your earnings and I'm going to steal them.. kind of guy.

He was a funny guy. An organized guy. A guy with standards. Rooms were clean. Lines were straight. Quarters bounced. There was no tolerance for things like attitude. Or lint. Not like today. And now this. His house. Slowly dissembled by his children. Piece by piece. Every item, each proverbial mayonnaise jar with painted lid, filled with screws, wing-nuts, unidentified powders, and sometimes money (it doesn't matter which, and, admittedly, very useful to me after my recent move) is taken down. Examined. Discussed. Considered. If not taken off of the premises altogether. And that's the goal.

Sometimes, in the final analysis, an item is slapped with a sticker: One dollar (or best offer).

This is not my dad's house anymore. It's not our house, either. And it's not your house. Nor is it their house. This is not a house. There are still some domestic touches. There is an 8 oz. Ice Mountain in the fridge right now (for instance). It looks quite cozy there, next to its hopeful companion, the single foil wrapped pat of butter. And a more unlikey pair there never was. Really.

And there are a few rolls of toilet paper in the house. Yes. And we've got quite a handsome collection of garbage bags, lightbulbs, xacto knives, and small cut up sponges. Yes, yes. And the abundance of Windex that my dad accumulated (or horded, we'll never know) is impressive, and can not be ignored. A Windex museum will very likely be up and running in time for the estate sale. Which would be great in case of a lull.

I have developed the nagging sense that I'm in big trouble with my dad right about now.

It's an ongoing process that seem without end. Yet when it's all over and done with, I know I will wish it weren't. Last week a couple of my dad's neighbors walked past as I stood at his dumpster with my unreasonable amount of garbage. They stopped and laughed and said something about how they "don't envy" me and my family right now. They're nice people, my dad's neighbors. They've been there. They know how it is.

I looked up at them (my face by then covered with asbestos, my hair filled with cob webs, spiders, and smoke, my arm bleeding - freely bleeding - as nature intended, what with my handy paper-towel-plus-scotch-tape bandage failing me by then, and sort of hanging on from just one corner, I was gross, pathetic, unprepared - all three). I pushed down the lid on the dumpster and paused. Paused and looked at them. Maybe for a moment too long for comfort. I lit a cigarette (though, in all honesty, one was already lit and being smoked by me, but I didn't care). I pulled out a fifth of vodka (shaken, plenty of ice, a twist of lemon) and I laughed. With them. At first politely. Then genuinely. Which became heartily. And, finally, desperately as I went into hysterics that, I don't care what anyone says, is the greatest. And they followed suit. My dad's neighbors.

It was that kind of day. And why not laugh? The sun is shining. Life. It's so bad it's good.

keep the dirt you love while creating more garbage than ever

It's incredible. I am currently dealing with a dirty floor emergency / phenomenon. Other people's dirt. Though, technically, now it's mine. The dirt, having originated from the past, comes like a gift with this, the present-day apartment. It's very much like an apartment I looked at years ago. That apartment came with a piano. A big useless piano. It was wedged into a corner of an alcove that the landlord kept calling the dining room. And wedged in such a way that the keyboard sort of spilled into the kitchen. It was a big piano that no one wanted to talk about. But I did bring it up. Finally. The big piano. And it was then that the big piano was spun in the best possible light to me by the landlord ..Yes! Yes! This apartment comes with a big piano (that you don't need) ..Did I forget to mention that? Oh. I see. So, now, after having moved into this apartment, I admit, I did not immediately mop the floors. I did sweep a little bit. But there were bigger problems for me to attend to right then. Especially as the prior tenants hadn't moved all the way out of the apartment, but something like 50% of the way out of the apartment. That was week one. The whole time I was thinking I had medium dark wood floors. And, as I had never had dark floors before, but the blandest, most boring of light wood floors, I was kind of excited about this turn of events in my life (floor-wise). But I learned, finally, that the dark floors were a misunderstanding based on assumption. It appears that the people who used to live here (and how many people they were is unclear, even to the landlord) used nothing but a dry variety Swiffer for the duration of their lease. I know this based on instinct via the data collected (per the evidence of my soap and water excavation). The floors were, underneath a layer of filth, honey colored. So, swiffing, which sounds just as half-assed as it is (onomatopoeia, still blowing my mind on a daily basis), had to be the extent of the prior tenants floor cleaning regime. And, as I had to move quite a bit of their stuff for them (as it became clear that they were never coming back) I found the offending Swiffer. Their stuff being another story for another time (and these treasures, from the house of beer-bongs, for young transplants from farming communities, who don't clean until the procure proper wives/cleaners from local big-city watering holes, only to move back to said farming communities, as, at the end of the day, the city is so dirty, included everything from the broom closet). So, it was affirmative. They, the prior tenants, were dry variety Swiffer types. Where a quick, occasional dusting off of their floors (literally just pushing around the exterior top layer of debris) without the employment of so much as a broom bristle, or anything like water, was good enough for them. Swiffer. There was an arsenal of this sort of thing. Every kind of disposable wipe that there is (disposed elsewhere, a far away, very possibly mythical location). Magnetic duster bullshit magic mittens. A spray to remove wrinkles without an iron. A spray to remove odors without washing. Drops that eat spills on carpets. Dryer sheets that stop one dead in their tracks with their insanely horrible floral infusion. Making one's happy new apartment smell like A Billion Chemical Roses Brought To You From The Wonderful People At Clorox. Or Dupont. Or 3M. As well, a room spray that does not need to be sprayed, nor in any way released from it's bottle, to make a space smell like lemons. Lots of lemons. Laboratory lemons. In what I can only assume will be the sad future of lemons. In my closet. Now in the garbage. Out of here. Disposed to elsewhere. A far away place that smells like garbage. And also lemons. It lingers oh so slightly around my kitchen, this odor. The lemoniest ever scent that there ever was. But it's going. Going slowly away. I did keep the found freezer bags, though. I will admit that.

new information pertaining to my enter key

A cigarette poised in my hand. I can see it. It's arabesque of pale smoke wafting ever upward, as if the very thoughts in my head had become material, and had decided to fly away. To a better place. Oh, cigarettes. With their fun, firey ash climbing slowly towards the smoker's hand. It's coming to get you! It's crazy like that. The burning end, so red, so dangerous. So happy and threatening. So tricky. So sneaky in a who's smoking whom kind of way. So much like a marachino-cherry ending to something that has no beginning. Just a smouldering, sinful, smokey treat with no calories for people called smokers to smoke whenever they want to. Forever. And this is not an inanimate object. This is a living thing. This is a cigarette enhanced by fire. Ingestible fire and pale smokey ideas. Because that's what we want to do. We want to smoke. And become a little bit more like fire and smoke. Every day. We try and try. Because fire is so great. It always wins. It's terrible and purifying. It clears the debris. It's back to zero. It says neither yes nor no. And it loves me. Fire does. And it's so pretty. It's fun and primitive. Fire. Nice to stare at. Nice to sleep near. Nice to listen to. Crackkkkle. And, if you listen very carefully to your cigarette, you'll know what I mean. That is the sound that smokers hear. Every single cigarette. Over and over. And cigarettes are just good (in their own right). They have so many things going on. Promise. Hope. Chance. Released, elegantly, one by one from a small magic package. Simple. Crisp. Brand new. Awaiting ignition. Who can believe that this will go away? Just dissolve into thin air? Where doe it go..? These are some of the things you can think about when you smoke. And one always smokes when one has chosen to take a reprieve, as if to say, I think I have earned a moment to pause. Non-smokers know nothing of this pause. Because stopping to eat, or walk around, breathe or think is NOT the same thing. And smokers know this. Smoking, and smokers are special. Smokers know something that non-smokers don't. That's why they smoke. Because they're cool. And the fact that smoking looks cool only attests to this. Ah. And that ash. It's never ending. And if you want it to be, it can be. And something tells me that it (the ash) wants to be never ending, too. [enter] I quit smoking. [enter] Ok. A couple of things. First of all, just to be clear, my enter key does work in a few other applications (except here, at my blog). That is, my enter key does not work in this blog or when I'm drafting email. But it does work when I'm posting a comment (on my own blog, for instance). And it works in wordperfect. I'm trying to think where else it has worked. PS, I am embarrassed to mention wordperfect. Only because someone recently made it seem as though I was grossly archaic for still using wordperfect. I didn't realize that wordperfect was over. I really didn't. It wouldn't have made any difference to me, but seriously, I didn't know. That is, until I heard this person burst into laughter when I mentioned it. I was thrown completely off guard. I did a double take. And those are hard to fake (and I have to imagine must be one of the trickier things for an actor to nail down). So, I was trying to figure out what was so funny (because I love so much to laugh) and just wasn't prepared for the brutal truth: I was literally a joke for still using wordperfect. At any rate, my enter key is not a result of a crumb (I recoil at the idea) that has found it's way beneath my keyboard. My keyboard is regularly vacuumed, as well as treated with q-tips. I say this to the tech out there who wouldn't listen to me and my strange symptoms, and instead gave me pithy advice (then logged off before I could completely explain the situation). And I guess for thirty dollars I could have a new keyboard, but something tells me that that wouldn't matter. Per everything that I've just said. I'm crabby. I need a smoke (see above). [enter].

a box for my brain

Boxes. They're useful. There're everywhere. Everything I own is either in or out of a box. That's how it is. If it's not already in a box, it should be. It will be. That is, if an item is not in a box, then I have failed. Because, whatever it is, it's supposed to be in a box. Believe me. There are boxes in every facet of my life. At work, everything I do requires a box to magically arrive. Then, later, when my work is done, whatever arrived in the box has to be repacked. By me. Unpacking. Repacking. Like that. All day. But these are happy work-related boxes. I like them. Though, sometimes, upon repacking work-related-boxes, I inadvertently bend or tear the top of a box. It's the folding over of the top of the box that gets tricky. Just go ahead, fold. One over the next. Four times. Like a flower. A square flower with four petals. Nice and neat. Mathematically sound. A really logical method for securing a box. I know. And I like the idea. But that last fold is a bitch. None the less, the only bad part of work-related boxes is the business at the end about folding up the top. So, I have boxes at work. And now I'm moving, so I have boxes at home. And we've been packing up my father's house. So, there's quite a few dad-related-boxes, too. They arrive steadily to my apartment. With a constancy that, though it's nice to have something to count on (like the sun rising) is seemingly without end (like outer space). The dad-related-boxes are never ending. The more we pack, the more there is. The more we do, the less we do. And dad-related-boxes are packed wholly without logic. In a manner that betrays that the people who packed them are both grieving and drunk. For this reason, dad-related-boxes may contain wildly diverse items. A blender. A loose deck of cards in a jar with a lightbulb. A plaid shirt. Erasers. A Holly Hobbie lunch box. Some crystal. Some crayons. Some bottles of lysterine. Some books thrown on top (the heavier items always placed lovingly on top of the lighter, more breakable items). Dad-related-boxes, apartment-related-boxes. They're all here, at my half packed up, box-centric, box of an apartment. In the beginning, I tried to unpack the dad-related-boxes. And I understand that I'm moving to another apartment in order to delay unpacking the dad-related-boxes. If not accommodate them. I also understand that there was a time when I would see something on my shelf, or at my dad's house, and not immediately think that it needed to go into a box. Certainly that will change.

it's like soap meant to clean your other soap

You know what I mean. I realize that my blog is about my blog. It has to be. It isn't about anything else. Like certain websites that are exclusively about all things tech related. How great is that? This blog isn't that. But it is. Look closely. It is, it is. I promise you, it is. I say tomato. You say tomato. I say blue. You say blue-green. I say bleu cheese. It's a toss up. And it could go on and on like that for hours. And that's just me, here, (without you) typing. It's a blog. My keyboard returned to normal function for a few hours a few days ago. Now it's like this again. And I'm without an enter key. Which is like a bicycle without wheels. Or a house without a door. Or a sky without a sun. Or like spaghetti without Parmesan cheese. It's like a car without gas. It's like, I love you, but.. It's like leaving the house without your brain. Or a bird without song. It's that I can not ENTER. And I hate it. I have thought of buying a new keyboard. I have. But, at the end of the day, I just don't want to. And I asked for technical assistance, as it's not just my physical keyboard that is messed up, but something deeper. Because I tried the screen keyboard, and it's the same thing. All the time. Everyday. I can't enter. There are no line breaks. I am (basically) without a steering wheel in this car of a blog that I'm driving. Not that I haven't had a recurring dream where I'm in a car that's going (pretty fast) down the highway. And I'm sitting in the back seat and no one else is in the car with me. Which is bad. And pretty simple to interpret as a dream. I know. Believe me. I went through this phase where I had to have toast all of the time. And I felt pretty bad taking that toaster (at work) out of it's package everyday (a product meant to be photographed in package, pristinely) just to make myself some toast, only to very, very carefully put it back into it's box (everyday, using glue - secret glue). So, it's appropriate that I would write in my blog about my broken keyboard. And not do anything about it. Whatever. I bought some flowers for my other flowers (as my other flowers were having a bad day) and they need water now, as well my kitten's pet kitten needs assistance, and my brain's brain is super tired. So..

welcome back

I just welcomed myself back. It's ok. I can do that. I guess that this would be as good a time as any to mention that I can't write in my blog properly. Because the enter key on my keyboard is broken. Which is frustrating. [enter]. I hit enter [enter] and it does nothing [enter]. Literally nothing [enter] I'm pretty sure this wouldn't be happening if I were in Japan [enter]. It's safe to say that I hate the enter key right now [enter]. Anyway, it's come to my attention that two or three people have read my blog in the last month. That's ok. It doesn't bother me [enter]. And by me I mean this blog. It doesn't bother this blog. A team of spider web removers (out of the East Coast) will need to be temporarily flown in. And, accustomed as they are to handling special situations like this (unsavory, horrific, albeit fascinating situations), they will at that time (without emotion, other than giving each other lots of ribbing for whatever happened in their social lives the night before) remove all of the spider webs. From this blog. Also cob webs. And dust. They will be ok with this as they have dealt with atrocities. Really, the worst kinds of messes. And they will also be good enough to straighten up a little bit around here. And maybe fill the ice cube trays. And I will be kind enough to pay them. They will do their part and I will do mine. And on and on. Until the money runs out. Because it always does. And that's when they (the East Coast team) will start in with their spiel. They'll advise me to shut down the whole operation. Right away. Meaning immediately, or "as soon as possible", which roughly translates to mean "now", maybe "in the morning". That is, before I accrue anymore debt. But, of course I will balk. But they as a group (of about three or four people) will be relentless. I dare say, hardboiled. And, really, just downright negative about the whole thing. They (the East coast team) will (over the course of two or three hours) continue to oh-so-gently nudge me to abandon my blog. Then I will counter with a refusal, even though I will feel that they are probably right. Yes. I will pretend to doubt them. Because you never know what that might achieve. Besides I will feel cornered. And cornered = pressured. One day I will just sleep in and blow off the blog. But then, one day (probably the next day) I'll pull myself together, and go to headquarters to have a big meeting (with doughnuts and everything). But it won't matter. The East Coast team will know that my blog is done. And they, unable to watch me continue to waste my time and money, will start taking steps to resign. That's when I, sensing that they're backing out, will fire all them on the spot. After which I'll panic and freak out. And they will be there for me. And a little bit themselves. With vodka, a box of kleenex, a boom box, and a bunch of old Neil Diamond CDs. Finally, I will accept that they're right and relieve them of their duties at frankenmonsterblog. With the promise that I will (with the help of some lawyer-friend-brother-in-law of theirs) close down production as soon as Monday. But after they leave (and it will be very quiet after they leave), I will instead sit down and come up with a plan of my own. And even though my plan might start out as just another way (another drunken way) to get me through the bad, bad, bad bottom line of this situation, I will (that Sunday) find myself actually adhering to a program where it will all work out. Just as long as I don't eat or breathe or go to the movies or do anything outside of paying my bills. For a year. And, as is the case in times like these, where a person is presented with two roads, one being reasonable, the other being ridiculous, I will take the ridiculous road. With all the stubbornness, grit, stupidity, and short sightedness that a person can muster. I will work (for a year) towards my goal, always writing checks, always freezing my ass off, always hungry. Always dirty. Always talking to myself. The whole time. And always getting some kind of (non-money related) pay-off. And indeed the blog will survive. The whole goddamnned year. And, they (the East coast team; many others) will laugh at me in month three. But month ten? Eleven? [enter]

Jesus Christ, lets eat

My dad.

He was a practical joker. Yet his humor could be so so dry that it left a person crumbling. Often it was impossible for an outsider to determine whether or not my father was joking. He either left people insulted or laughing.

There was no other result.

And he didn't care whether or not you got the joke. At the end of the day, it was for his own amusement. Not to suggest he didn't enjoy the outright. He did. Fake spiders. Fake mice. Sometimes, real mice. My dad. He gave me my sense of humor. My irreverence.

You had to be smart to get my father.

And he was brilliant.

He designed buildings. Spaces. Furniture.

He designed dollhouses with the same attention he did full scale structures.

He designed his life around ideals that remain impossible for me to grasp, or completely mysterious to me.

Will I ever make him proud?

My father.

There was never a more meticulous, dedicated, obsessive, hard working, tortured being.

He was an architect. An artist. An engineer. An interior designer. A teacher. A student. A chef. A drinker of cheap wine. A reader. An observer.

A loner.

A log keeper. Everything identified. Everything remarked upon. Everything in its place.

He was alone.

He cooked. He created. He just wanted a person to enjoy.

He had impeccable taste. He was relentlessly irreverent.

He said out loud what other people thought but never said. He never wavered or waffled. He offended many. He didn't care.

My father. His one wish was to design until the day he died.

He got his wish.

He loved us, and marveled at the fact that his children got along.

A man. The last of a dying breed. A cruel mix of love and indifference. Hardworking. Stoic.
My father. He wrote everything down. He revealed nothing.