Mar 3, 2006

welcome back

I just welcomed myself back. It's ok. I can do that. I guess that this would be as good a time as any to mention that I can't write in my blog properly. Because the enter key on my keyboard is broken. Which is frustrating. [enter]. I hit enter [enter] and it does nothing [enter]. Literally nothing [enter] I'm pretty sure this wouldn't be happening if I were in Japan [enter]. It's safe to say that I hate the enter key right now [enter]. Anyway, it's come to my attention that two or three people have read my blog in the last month. That's ok. It doesn't bother me [enter]. And by me I mean this blog. It doesn't bother this blog. A team of spider web removers (out of the East Coast) will need to be temporarily flown in. And, accustomed as they are to handling special situations like this (unsavory, horrific, albeit fascinating situations), they will at that time (without emotion, other than giving each other lots of ribbing for whatever happened in their social lives the night before) remove all of the spider webs. From this blog. Also cob webs. And dust. They will be ok with this as they have dealt with atrocities. Really, the worst kinds of messes. And they will also be good enough to straighten up a little bit around here. And maybe fill the ice cube trays. And I will be kind enough to pay them. They will do their part and I will do mine. And on and on. Until the money runs out. Because it always does. And that's when they (the East Coast team) will start in with their spiel. They'll advise me to shut down the whole operation. Right away. Meaning immediately, or "as soon as possible", which roughly translates to mean "now", maybe "in the morning". That is, before I accrue anymore debt. But, of course I will balk. But they as a group (of about three or four people) will be relentless. I dare say, hardboiled. And, really, just downright negative about the whole thing. They (the East coast team) will (over the course of two or three hours) continue to oh-so-gently nudge me to abandon my blog. Then I will counter with a refusal, even though I will feel that they are probably right. Yes. I will pretend to doubt them. Because you never know what that might achieve. Besides I will feel cornered. And cornered = pressured. One day I will just sleep in and blow off the blog. But then, one day (probably the next day) I'll pull myself together, and go to headquarters to have a big meeting (with doughnuts and everything). But it won't matter. The East Coast team will know that my blog is done. And they, unable to watch me continue to waste my time and money, will start taking steps to resign. That's when I, sensing that they're backing out, will fire all them on the spot. After which I'll panic and freak out. And they will be there for me. And a little bit themselves. With vodka, a box of kleenex, a boom box, and a bunch of old Neil Diamond CDs. Finally, I will accept that they're right and relieve them of their duties at frankenmonsterblog. With the promise that I will (with the help of some lawyer-friend-brother-in-law of theirs) close down production as soon as Monday. But after they leave (and it will be very quiet after they leave), I will instead sit down and come up with a plan of my own. And even though my plan might start out as just another way (another drunken way) to get me through the bad, bad, bad bottom line of this situation, I will (that Sunday) find myself actually adhering to a program where it will all work out. Just as long as I don't eat or breathe or go to the movies or do anything outside of paying my bills. For a year. And, as is the case in times like these, where a person is presented with two roads, one being reasonable, the other being ridiculous, I will take the ridiculous road. With all the stubbornness, grit, stupidity, and short sightedness that a person can muster. I will work (for a year) towards my goal, always writing checks, always freezing my ass off, always hungry. Always dirty. Always talking to myself. The whole time. And always getting some kind of (non-money related) pay-off. And indeed the blog will survive. The whole goddamnned year. And, they (the East coast team; many others) will laugh at me in month three. But month ten? Eleven? [enter]


  1. Okay i am not sure if you did mean it to be funny in a dark humor way, but i really did laugh .. especially with [enter] .. I hope i did not laugh on something you were serious about .. Oh hey and Welcome Back :) ( someone else welocmed you for a change ) ..

    Lovely blog .. Have you on my favourites ..

  2. Thank you emo. I am attempting to be funny..

  3. My keyboard gets like that when it needs a clean. Or if I accidently dropped a paperclip under the keys. That's a great way to knacker keys.

    Shame it had to be an important key. Why not a little used key, or one that's a double funtion key? Surely f16 has no need these days, and is quite happy for a wee break?

    Nice to see you're back! Seems a lot of folks are taking Winter hiatuses (Hiati?)