my plant, at home and doing ok

I have been waiting seven years for one of my plants to decide whether it's going to fight for it's life or finally die. It's been threatening to die for a very long time. And, it's disconcerting, I'm pretty good with plants. I've had this plant for eleven or twelve years. It's a large plant. I've given it vitamins, new soil, better sources of light. I make a point to breathe on it. I even talk on the phone right near it, so that it might further benefit from my breathing on it. Not to suggest that I don't talk directly to my plants. I do. I tell them how they're doing, like, Oh, look you're sprouting, that's great.. or sometimes, Oh, no what's happening to you..? As well as, I love you, please don't die.. That kind of thing.

And I've dusted it's leaves, as I do with my other plants. At one point, I moved this plant around from window to window three or four times a day, just to insure that it got the best light possible. I did this for years. I even dried it out a couple of times. Gave it a week of no attention at all followed by lots of attention. Finally, I arranged all of my other plants around the dying plant. I thought this community of thriving plants might somehow lend a sense of solidarity, or support to my dying plant that might strengthen its will to live. And no. Nothing. And, I should mention, the fact that everything started to go down hill right around the time I got a kitten is not lost on me.

The kitten is, for all practical purposes, innocent of any foul play. She never messes with the plant. Not in any obvious way. Still, I've always sensed some tension between the kitten and the plant. Most likely, the kitten has been sending the plant bad vibes all of these years. It's something she would do. She has many reasons to be bitter, and I can see how she would take it out on the plant instead of me. It's displaced aggression. Or it's passive aggressive. In either case, I know the way the kitten operates, and believe me, she can be jealous and quite petty. Still, the plant did seem to improve for about a year. And I moved a couple of times during all of this. And it always adjusted.

But, now, there's no denying it. The plant is sparse. And becoming sparser. And people have made comments about the plant. Their insinuation being that I've murdered it, or that there's some kind of Munchausen by Proxy deal going on between me and my plant. Which really upsets me, because they have no idea what lengths I've gone to to make this plant happy. So, finally, about a week ago, I was feeling heartless, and I took the plant out to the garbage. I was trying to get rid of things.

It all started when I threw out this broken TV that had been sitting in the middle of my desk/dollhouse/drawing table area for a few months. I left the TV in the middle of the room for so long that, I admit, I got used to it being there. But last week I hit my shin on it for the thousandth time, and it was as if I finally woke up or something. My whole sleep-walking-through-life, not caring that the TV is always in my way thing: I snapped right out of it. I became appropriately disgusted, and went into a mode where the TV and everything, EVERYTHING had to go. I said, This TV is ruining my life! And the TV (not as heavy as I remembered it, though it might have been a product of sheer adrenaline) went out into the garbage. But not before I attached a post-it note with something to the effect of: This TV is 100% broken! scribbled on it. I've noticed other people doing this, and it's good to go ahead and label most of the garbage these days, anyways (sorry, just garbage, refuse, dirt: no browsing please) otherwise in the morning you will be greeted by the horror of yesterday's garbage strewn all over the side yard (by the thoughtless, non tidy, non conscientious garbage enthusiasts).

So the TV went out. The way of garbage. Out of my life. At last. Among a few other things. And then I looked over at the plant. There it was. 90% dead. It must have known that it was next. I had to do this sort of rotely, though. I could feel myself taking it down the stairs and everything, but it was like it was someone else doing it. My mind wasn't ok with this. And so the plant was placed outside by the odd collection of items by the garbage, though, seriously, my memory of this incident is a little sketchy.

My plant looked so sad out there by the TV. I had to turn around and, no matter what, not look back. I got upstairs, and mopped the part of the floor where it once stood and tried not to think about it. But it kept nagging at me. Then, the next morning I went out, and on my way back, there it was. I felt as guilty as I would have had it had been a pet that I abandoned. It was around fifty degrees out during this period. So everytime I walked past I saw not my garbage, not a frozen plant, not a dead plant, but my plant, 10% alive, looking thirsty, pathetic, standing there quietly, not understanding it's fate, and seeming to say, It's scary out here.. why are you doing this to me..? Please bring me back inside.. I'll be good this time.. It was awful. This went on for a couple of days.

The garbage is taken away on Tuesdays, and it was now already Monday. I felt like such a lowlife. When I went to go get a cab to go to work that night, I was again confronted by my sad, abandoned plant. And it was starting to get colder out. And it was rumored that it might snow overnight. It was the eleventh hour. I walked three blocks, got a cab, and heard myself asking the driver if I could make two stops. He drove me back to my building, and waited while I carried my 10% alive plant back up to my apartment. I gave it some warm water with plant food and put it near the window. My cat came bounding into the room, stopped dead in her tracks, and looked at me incredulously.

I told the plant I was sorry, and I promised I would never put it out by the garbage again, that if it was going to die, it would die at home, and I vowed to do whatever it takes to make it the lush, wonderful happy plant that it once was. When I got back into the cab, the driver had the good sense not to ask me any questions. So now, a week later, I'm able to report that the plant is pretty much the same. I dare say more like 12% alive. We'll see. I still haven't let myself off the hook about any of this, though. That may take some time.

Next week: why the Japanese evergreen was moved to another window..