Feb 5, 2005

fake questions answered

Certain parts of this story have been fictionalized:

I was crouched down behind a Honda for about a half an hour yesterday. It was due to my avoidance of this woman, who was walking her dog. She lives in my building, and she's always trying to sell me something, or make me join me something, or tell me something, or become friends. I feel that I've finally gotten my avoidance of her down pat. I can absolutely sense if she's in the laundry room, for instance, before ever stepping out of my apartment. This is good. But, I guess it doesn't work when I'm out doors. Because I was completely caught off guard. I looked up, saw her running around with her dog, and had this reflex to quickly hide behind the nearest object, which just so happened to be a Honda. And, I kept looking up through the windows to see if she was ever going back inside. I was thinking as loudly as I could, just go back inside.. just go back inside.. the dog is fine.. go back inside. This became my mantra. And I tried pushing her back into the apartment building with my eyes, which, it turns out, doesn't work. Finally I sat down. It was gloppy. Not too cold. But even if it were warm out, I don't really want to be sitting on the curb up against somebody's car. And now I couldn't just pop up and walk over like everything's fine. That would be weird. And she was close by, too. I could hear her talking to herself and to her dog. I would have even opted to have that conversation with her now. It would have been better than this. She might not want to talk to me anymore, though. Seeing that I've been hiding behind a Honda, and everything. And that would be fine. Still, I sat there. Pride, you know. And a need to finish a project to completion kind of thing. How long does it take to walk a dog? I got out my phone to see what time it was, and right then it rang. Real loud. I answered just to make it stop. It was my boss. He asked me about a million questions in order to update my information so that he could send me my tax stuff. He kept saying, What? Because I was whispering, which was clearly annoying him. I hated this situation. I hate any situation where my boss has to wonder what is up with me. And it's all my fault. I was the one who asked him the other day where my tax stuff was. And I only asked him about this because there was this horrible silence that I was trying to fill, as he was just standing there watching me make drinks. It was really unnerving. I wanted to make it like I wasn't being observed, as I was, but that this was something more like a conversation. I did this for me and for him. To take the pressure off of everyone. So I asked this fake question. And now, two days later, he was addressing my question. Seriously, it couldn't have been at a worse time..


  1. You need a new prescription of invisible pills. They can come in handy when yer in a pinch.

  2. Did she ever leave?

    I had a dream that we were sitting on the floor chatting in some apartment.

  3. ..what were we talking about?

  4. That was the odd part, I couldn't hear anything but we were having fun. Kind of a late night chit-chat and there were other people in the room.

    If the floor was a clock I would have been at like...10 o'clock and you would have been at like...2. I think it was a kitchen floor we were sitting on.

  5. Invisible pills? Are you saying that you can get a perscription for invisible pills?

    (invisa-pills, that's what they would be called).

  6. I've analyzed your dream. Brace yourself, it's not pretty.

    Relace the word "hear" with "compute",
    "people" with "computers", and
    "kitchen floor" with "computers"..
    Infact, go ahead and replace "chit-chat" with "java script".


    Sometimes it takes a second party to come in and see what's really going on. Like my bus with out a bus driver dream. Seriously, was that a bus with out a driver, or was that a "computer bus" with out a "hard drive"..? (insert smile face, followed immediately by dead serious double take face -here-)

  7. So you're saying that...life is a computer and we are cogs in the computer? That's very sad. The dream seemed much happier than that. We weren't sad. Maybe you grabbed The Matrix instead of the symbolism book?

  8. I have a habit of wanting to make things into jokes that, lets face it, aren't funny.

    I love the idea of a therapist interpreting a person's dream where they miss all the obvious symbols.. and instead betray their own neurosis/picadillos.

    Your dream does sound happy, and it's filled with symbols.

  9. picadillos! What a super word. Do you really see symbolism in the dream? I just thought it was an odd little dream and mentioned it because you were in it.

    That is a funny idea, though, the sad therapist and patient who cannot see the forest...for the trees.

  10. How strange, Wyatt. I was going to suggest a cloak of invisibility, like in that movie, Harry Potter.

  11. Ah, well, you could have "thrown" something-- which would have then distracted her long enough for you to "vanish."

    Perhaps you had a smoke bomb handy?
    Or a steak? (You know, for the dog, like in the movies.)

    Perhaps you also were adorned in a Cat Woman-ish suit?
    Those seem so impractacle but really they come in handy in situations such as these.

    Truthfully, my Wonder Woman suit has never done me wrong. No joke, yo.

    And sometimes, even in the off-season, people will give you candy and shove dollar bills into your belt, or other places.



  12. I think the next time you see her you should let her approach you. When she does just act as if you've never met her before in your life. If she tries to explain that you do know each other, tell her you recently suffered severe trauma to the head. You are under strict doctors orders not to associate with those you can't remember, until you remember them. A day which may never come.

  13. My worry for you is the habit of being in a situation where you are around people you would rather hide from.

  14. I wish I could have taken you with me this weekend. I made drinks for three days and three nights... I couldn't remember what was in what color lable or what bottle. Worst of all, the same old geezers would come up to the bar again and again and again and again... and every time I had to ask them what they wanted, I couldn't remember. I could never do what you do... never.

  15. Mr. Ho, Picolo. Armadillos. Piccadilly Circus..

    YGWIN, And I HAD smoke bombs in my pocket book and everything! I wish I had thought of this..

    Thoresen, thank you. Great idea. I'm going to try it out at work tonight.. see how it goes..

    AB, that fact was totally lost on me until you mentioned it. And I can't even deny it, there's evidence of my hiding all over my blog..

    Kim, I think your experience with bartending can only mean that you've done better things with your time. The first time I waitressed was a horror of broken glass, wine stains, and a lot of yelling followed by crying. And if I had just quit right then and there as I wanted to, I imagine I would have finished school about ten years earlier.. ;)

  16. Ugh..ive done that before. Its like they have some radar and wont go away. Maybe give the dog some exlax so she has to just stand there and you can run away. Of course, if she is determined, she will still run you down while she is dragging her ass leaking dog. Not good, ok, just hide.

  17. i wish there was another story.

  18. I do too! C'mon Vic - your public is demanding a new post...