Now with spell check! Now making sense!
I realize that a part of my brain is dedicated to trying to get me to smoke.
A very clever, relentless part of my brain.
I can't put my finger on that thing that makes me want to smoke. Because an actual trigger can be anything.
I see the words Johnny Rotten = I want to smoke
I see the words financial setback = I want to smoke
I think of a new way to do something (anything) = I want to smoke
I switch on a lamp and the light bulb burns out = I want to smoke
It was a forty year old lamp. A forty year old light bulb. That still worked. Until today.
A forty year old, very possibly German lamp and light bulb (that I've never seen anywhere else ever before).
A very possibly irreplaceable lamp and light bulb.
I think about smoking a lot.
In an aside, I should mention that I have a lamp guy who can sort all of this out for me.
Though, he is such a realist (depressive) that I can already hear the disappointing news (in that voice of his), that:
"there is no way" he can locate such light bulbs, bla, bla (on and on).
This lamp guy tends to err on the side of (reality) practicality.
And he's the only lamp guy in Chicago.
(I'd do anything for a more upbeat lamp guy)
Then there's France.
My mind will tell me - someone in France is smoking right now.
She (this French smoker) says, "..ah life, what are you going to do?", and lights another cigarette with the burning end of her last cigarette.
She is living her life. Her French life.
Can't I live my French life, too?Can't I ?
Can't I ?