May 4, 2005

Doris

Part one:

We're here today with reknowned Life Engineer, Doris.
Doris, you've been called a lifestyle guru.. a life doctor.. the patron saint of clutter.. crazy and presumptuous.. a heartless bitch.. the descriptions just go on and on.

Let me ask you, do you find each of your cases unique?

Oh, yes, each person's mess, that is, life winds up the way it does for a variety of reasons. And all you have to do is scratch the surface and the story begins to reveal itself. You can even create a matrix like this one here (pointing to an elaborate three dimensional model) as a means to trace back just exactly how, for example, that unaddressed pile of clutter left in the kitchen led to one's avoidance of the kitchen in general.. which led to the dishes never getting done.. which led to the ordering of many pizzas.. to emotional bankruptcy.. and finally, financial ruin. As well, you can see clearly in this document the unique events that led to this particular sock winding up on the floor, rather than in the clothes hamper. It's all quite interrelated.

That's remarkable.

Yeah, it really is.

So who do we have here today?

This is Marie.

Hi Marie, how are you?

Fine, thank you.

Are you a little anxious?

A little.

Ok, so what's the particular case with Marie?

Marie has invited us to intervene concerning a couple of problems. For starters, you wrote in your letter that you need help regarding the spoon from the coffee. Can you elaborate?

Yes. My coffee cups don't have saucers. So, as you can see, the spoon that I used this morning to stir my coffee was placed back onto the table.

And remains there, still, I see. This is a problem.

Yeah. And because of this, I've taken to avoiding spoons altogether. Sometimes I just stir my coffee with my finger..

Ok. If I could stop you right there. Let's take a deep breath and back up a little bit.
Marie, as I'm listening to you and analyzing this, I'm aware that something is not quite right. I mean, I'm looking at your coffee right now, and it appears that you take it black.

I do.

No sugar?

No.

Then, I guess my question is, do you really need to stir your coffee?

You know.. I guess I never really thought about it.

Marie, is it possible that this problem is a non-problem? Perhaps an old habit that you've outgrown?

Maybe. Wow. How do you do that?

(Turning to me) You see, sometimes a client can do away with a problem simply by looking at it in another way.

Right, right. And that requires a second party to come in and see things as they really are.

Bingo. Objectivity is half the battle.

Fascinating.

Ok. Next issue at hand. You wrote that your living room is usually a mess, and that it's difficult when people come over, as there is no where for them to sit down and relax.

Yes. I'm bad..

Marie, did it ever occur to you that if you stopped living in your living room, it would always be tidy?

No. But..

Wow.

Ok, finally, you wrote that your feet hurt so much at the end of the day that the last thing you feel like doing is straightening up or making dinner. Marie, let me see your shoes.

They're not very comfortable.

I think we're going to have to arrange a little field trip for you..

Oh my God! You don't mean..?

That's right. Our team of personal shoppers are going to take you on an extreme shoe shopping adventure! The limo is already out front.. are you ready, Marie?

Oh man, I feel like a movie star or something!

(While Marie went off with the team in search of more comfortable shoes, Doris and I stayed back at the house to prepare a special surprise: We cleaned Marie's kitchen)

Now, you see this here? This is the classic sign of someone holding on to things in their life that they've outgrown (Doris holds up a small photo album). What is our motto? Throw! Throw! Throw it away! (Doris tosses the photo album into the garbage). Believe me, she'll thank us later. And what is this? (Doris spots a small crucifix that Marie has hung above her kitchen sink). This, THIS is a classic example of an object that interferes with the flow of energy in one's home. Just think about it, every time Marie goes to do the dishes or wash her vegetables, she is met with this universal symbol of.. guilt. No wonder her sink is such a mess. This is self sabotage, pure and simple..

Yeah, but, Marie probably thinks..

Interestingly enough, people are their own worst enemies when it comes to this kind of thing. It's almost an unconscious thing. But that's what I'm here for (Doris tosses the cross into the garbage). Wow! You can already feel the energy clearing up in here, can't you..?

I have a question..

You know, at this rate, we better grab some more garbage bags. I see about a million things that just have to go..

Next week Part two: Marie's extreme shoe shopping adventure..

17 comments:

  1. wow. Doris is a keeper. Add her to the tag team of Frankenmonster Blog's hit list of emotional assassins for sure.

    Does she come with poison, or a bow and arrow?

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  2. Doris has Lysol, which says clearly on it's lable that it "kills".

    And Ajax. Also a killer..

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  3. Doris is my mother and I am Marie. Thank you, Frankenmonsterblog.

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  4. Guilt is a powerful force. I would call it neutral. As neutral as a neutron bomb. In the hands of a madman its a problem. Yet in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, you could stash a nuke in every single backyard and have 1000 years of peace.

    I'm big on rejecting the idea of non-proliferation treaties. Make sure the RIGHT people have access to earth melting technologies and the WRONG people don't and you'll be kosher 99.9% of the time.

    But I'm right even of the Birch society so that tells you on what axis I base most of my opinions on...

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  5. Commenting right after Mr. Junker can be a difficult proposition. The mind tends to wander. Fortunately in this case Doris and Marie are so funny and well written that not even WJ can divert.

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  6. Mr. Ho,
    I too am Marie.. I wasn't ever going to tell anyone this, but I felt compelled.

    WJ,
    Supposedly guilt is "useless".. I think the jury is still out on that, though.

    Latigo Flint,
    Thank you, I'm never sure if I'm funny or not..

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  7. A crucifix over the sink?? What's that about? why be made to feel guilty for cleaning the dishes? It definately belongs over the bed or in the shower cubicle...a conveinent place for naughtiness as all evidence is washed down the drain. Ahhhh...I now see Marie for the kinky vixen genius she truly is!

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  8. Help me, Doris! Squirrels are living in my underwear drawer.

    (This is great, btw :)

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  9. Great post Victoria! Can't wait to hear how the story works out...

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  10. LOL, I almost came reading the part about shoes!! I LOVE SHOES!! ..otherwise, funny shit girl, seriously funny shit.

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  11. Never boring Victoria.
    One question though, where did Dr. Doris get her PhD from?

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  12. Great blog mate! Props and more Props!

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  13. The color blue that you use is very soothing.

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  14. Thank you.. mix that blue with a little white paint and you've got the color of the much sought after couch.

    That couch. It was real, and I'm still upset about it.

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  15. I furrowed my brow when I read that. A real furrow and I think it left marks because I don't use botox. A green couch is also nice.

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  16. Fascinating interview. Dan Rather would be proud.

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  17. I have a problem. I tend to like to tell people 'Thank you' when they give me something. I feel this is creating a dependency I would rather avoid.

    Any suggestions?

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